Dear Kate,
by DevinTowerwood
Summary: Kate Marsh is a senior at Blackwell Academy doing her best to manage her depression and live a good, Christian life. Katie is the amnesiac ghost of Rachel Amber who is possessing her. The two of them don't really see eye to eye on what their life should be or how their body should be used. Chapters will not necessarily be in order, and the tone ranges from fluff to sexy-angst?
1. You did What at the Party?

Dear Kate,

I woke up when you were doing physics homework yesterday at 6:00 or so. It's not due until Monday but I know you hate not having your homework done right away, so I finished it. I didn't read any of your books for Lit but, well, you wouldn't have remembered it if I did. Also, Max wants to borrow your copy of the October Country, and I said yes, so I hope that's cool. I didn't actually lend it but I said you would, so pretty please? She seems nice and I want her to like me.

There's a party starting at 8:00 (it's actually 8:08 rn but I wanted to make sure I finished the physics homework) that I'm going to. I'll try not to drink too much so you don't have a hangover again. Sorry about last time, again. Have a nice Friday.

~ Katie

Edit: Apparently you asked Dana to the party! I'm so proud of you. Dana seems very nice. I haven't asked if you like girls or not so I'll try not to do anything you wouldn't do.

Unlike most days, there was another message after the first.

Dear Kate

hey so i kkind of drank too much don't be mad at me. also i smoked a little but just a little i don't even smell. Drink a glass off water, you'll feel better. also makeup. sorry

The drinking had been kind of immediately apparent thanks to the whole throbbing headache and difficulty focusing. The makeup comment was a little harder to decipher until Kate checked herself out with the mirror next to the door and found that her mascara and lipstick were smeared. Also, obviously, they hadn't been removed before bed. Despite the fact that Kate had repeatedly asked Katie to not wear mascara or to go get them some waterproof mascara (Katie never included it in her notes, but Kate often woke up to find she'd been crying), here it was, a mess on her face again. Of course.

Dear Katie,

Seeing as you knew that the physics homework was due Tuesday, I assume you looked at my planner and saw that I have a test today this afternoon. I know you don't get very often but I wish you would be more considerate of how your actions affect me academically and socially. How was Dana?

Kate stared at the message for a few minutes, struggling to find a way to make it sound less aggressive. It was past 9:00, and chances are she wasn't going to have a chance to take a decent shower, nevermind study for the Music lab test. Maybe she could talk to Max at lunch about it? What if Max had been at the party and seen how she was acting? What if things were weird? Max could get pretty awkward as it is.

Kate sighed, and deleted the message.

Dear Katie,

I'm glad you had a good time last night, and thank you for doing my Physics homework. That was very considerate. Please try to drink water between drinks - these hangovers really suck. If you are awake around noon tomorrow, we have a tea date with Max downtown. I'll give her The October Country today in class.

Also, I've been thinking, if you'd be up to it, I might like to teach you violin. I'm losing a lot of practice time, but I also want you to have your own life and I'm not going to make you if you don't want to learn. I thought I could upload some tutorials onto Youtube or something and you'd have my notes.

How was Dana?

I hope you have a good day,

Kate

It was 9:28. She could eat a granola bar and take a quick shower before English. Hopefully this wasn't going to be another morning of her crouching in the shower waiting for the vertigo to stop as she missed her first class.

* * *

Kate decided to take a nap through lunch as her form of studying for the Music final. Her headache had gone away, but she still felt like garbage, even moreso because she hadn't been able to focus at all through AP Lit. However, just as she finally dropped into a blissful power-nap, there was a knock at her door.

She groaned, but Max and Dana were the only people who ever came to talk to her in her room, and they were both pretty soft-spoken and quick to disengage, so this shouldn't be too bad.

"Come in," Kate called, pushing herself upright. Her elbows cracked in her response. She just tried to focus on looking awake.

"Oh, hi Victoria," Kate said.

"Hey," Victoria replied. She just stood in the doorway for a second, then asked, "Can I talk to you for a second?"

 _What could Victoria possibly want to talk about? Did Katie say something mean to her again?_

Kate shrugged slowly. "Yeah I . . . guess. Come in."

Victoria nodded in response, stepping inside and closing the door behind her. Kate expected her to just say something real quick and leave - maybe lean back against the doorway all haughty and make some snide remarks about her behavior. But, instead, she walked across the room, pulled out Kate's roller chair, and sat across from Kate. It left them on an even elevation for probably the first time of all conversations they'd ever had - Victoria loved being taller than other girls, it seemed. Or at least she made use of it.

Kate just sat there, too unfamiliar with the situation to even suss out how to start.

Victoria took a quick deep breath, then put on a suspicious face. "Okay. I thought we should talk about the party."

 _Of course you do. Did I push you in the pool or something?_

"Oh . . . okay." Kate paused, then added, "You first?"

Victoria leaned back in the chair, crossing her arms over her chest. Now that was a more familiar Victoria look.

"Fine. Were you fucking with me last night?"

Kate opened her mouth to reply, but Victoria kept going before she could get a word in, "Because I want to let you know: if you post this on social media, or so much as tell it to your friends, I will end you, you got it?"

Victoria was always sarcastic and cutting, but her cold, venomous tone now chilled Kate's body and made her mouth run dry. Katie had gotten her into some deep, deep shit and she hadn't bothered to mention it. Posting something on social media? Had Katie taken pictures of Victoria in some compromising situation? Video-taped her doing drugs? What could she possibly have done to piss Victoria off more than Kate already had?

 _I can fix this. Victoria just has to tell me what I did and I'll fix it. No questions asked._

Kate put on her best concerned face, which was pretty easy, because she didn't want Victoria to make her death look like an accident one sunny morning on her way to church.

"Yeah, no, totally, I get that. I just, um. What are you talking about? Last night is kind of . . . hazy."

Kate wasn't sure how to guess if she could have plausibly lost memory from how bad her hangover was, but her hangover had certainly _felt_ pretty bad.

Victoria just glared. "Real cute, but you weren't drunk. At least not at first. And, look, I can take it like I dish it, if you were flirting with me to make me uncomfortable, fine, be gross and weird. But you - you crossed a line last night."

Kate's eyes widened with shock and her mouth held just a little bit open. "Oh no," she said. "Did I sexually harass you? That's so rude, I'm-"

"No, no. I mean, yeah, kinda, but what the fuck ever. I mean when you kissed me, asshole." Victoria clearly flinched on the word 'kissed', but Kate was already busy sinking into shame. Well, shame and confusion.

"Oh, god," Kate replied, looking down at the ground. She needed an explanation - fast - that wouldn't get her in even more trouble. "I just . . . I guess I just didn't really think about it. I'm not really myself when I drink, I'm sorry." That much, at least, was true.

Victoria sighed. Clearly, that wasn't good enough for her. She looked down at the ground, too, letting her hands fall down into her lap. "Then why . . .?"

Kate looked up, her heart sinking. What more could there be?

Victoria tried again, "Then why did you say, 'I've been waiting to do that', huh? That sounds at least a little premeditated, don't you think?"

 _Will Katie ever stop digging ditches that I have to climb out of?_

 _Wait. What if she . . ._

"That's because . . . I . . . uh." Kate swallowed.

This is a gamble. If I'm wrong, there will be hell to pay.

 _I guess this is what you get, having two lives at once, huh? It never works out smoothly, even for the people who can remember what they're doing._

Kate and Victoria's eye contact was too much to keep stalling. She just had to take the risk, or else she could be messing up something important for Katie. Even if she didn't like the idea . . . _Katie must be so lonely._

The thought made Kate's eyes glass up, and she reached up to wipe the moisture away. "I . . . like . . . you."

Victoria's expression fell - softer now, but sad. She let her gaze drop again. "Are you a lesbian, Kate?"

"I dunno," Kate replied. The truth, again, was easier.

Victoria nodded to herself, and leaned back in the seat again. She looked off now, towards Kate's mirror instead of her face.

"I'm sorry," she said.

Kate couldn't look at Victoria anymore - she just felt ashamed. She was putting them all in a shitty situation by saying that, even if Katie would have meant it. Even if, somehow, Victoria reciprocated Katie's (hypothetical) feelings, Kate still controlled her body a good 75% of the time. What could they possibly have with her here?

"I get what you're going through, you know," Victoria finally said.

Kate looked up. She was hunched over, rocking in place just a little. "You do?" she asked weakly.

Victoria nodded. "Yeah. It's . . . tough in a place like this. And it's worse if someone you like is mean to you."

"Oh." There was a lot in that, but very little that Kate knew how to respond to. It's not like Victoria had been more open with her than a clam's shell before now.

They sat in silence for a long while - maybe a minute?, it would tough to tell. Kate wanted to sleep. She wanted to be out of this situation. She wanted to talk to Katie.

Finally, Victoria placed her hands on her knees and stood up. She looked at the ground, then at Kate. "Look, no promises, but I'll try and stop being such a bitch to you."

Kate held back a chuckle, finally relaxing a little. Maybe something good could come out of this after all. "Thanks. I'd like that."

Victoria nodded, a grimace briefly on her face, and she walked to the door. As she opened it up and stepped through, however, she paused.

Kate looked after her curiously, and Victoria craned her head around to look back at her.

"And . . . if you need anything," she said. She blinked, hesitating, and added, "Just text me."

She closed the door after herself, and Kate fell back onto her bed.

"Dammit," she whispered to no one but herself.

* * *

Kate did not wake up to find a new message until Saturday night, around midnight. She couldn't have missed much time, because she finished her homework around 9:00 and had just started watching Youtube videos. Still, what she found was . . . maybe not what she had hoped.

Dear Kate,

OMG. KATE I'M SO SORRY. I WAS TOTALLY MESSING WITH HER - I JUST THOUGHT SHE'D BE TOO EMBARRASSED TO TELL ANYONE OR TALK TO YOU. MY BAD DUDE, MY BAD.  
Please let me know how I can make this up to you - I really didn't think this would come back to bite you on the ass. I promise I'll do your laundry for a month, and I'll do homework over the weekends. I know that doesn't really fix your problem but at least I can make your life a little easier.

No, on a not-unrelated note: I'm glad Victoria's going to start leaving you alone. I'll stop being mean to her behind her back and stuff so things won't seem weird. Maybe if you or I go out with someone she won't think you have a crush on her anymore?

Other stuff -

1) I will try harder to not get you hung over.

2) I'd love for you to teach me violin! Maybe we could start at an easier time though, like maybe Thanksgiving break or Christmas?

3) About Dana: Oh no! :( I knew she didn't go to the party but I didn't know she was having a rough time, I just thought she bailed. I'll make her cookies or something. Or, I guess, I can't really cook anything, so I'll steal some extra muffins from the cafeteria I guess.

4) I'm glad tea with Max was nice. And tell her happy birthday for me! I didn't realize I missed it. And just to like, put my cards on the table here, my comments above about dating someone so Vic wouldn't be so worried about you crushing on her, I'd be willing to hang out with Max more if you like her. You haven't really said.

5a) I'm sorry I'm coming into your life at such a complicated time. I mean, I know it's complicated for me, too, but not so much about sexuality. Luckily, whoever I was just thought people were real hot. Which I guess may not be great for us if we're in an abstinence club.

5b) About that - if I wanna fuck someone what's the protocol? I don't want to fuck up your life but I'm also not abstinent. They didn't really cover this in sex ed. Or I may have just missed that.

5c) I know this is super weird but does your version of Christianity prohibit masturbation? Like I'm going to anyway but is it cool to make jokes about it with the kids in the support circle?

6) I know this may not be helpful but Victoria is very strong and tall and a very soft kisser. I may not have been serious but she might be! We're really cute! Or if there's anyone you like, I'll do my best to help you out and keep your cover. Or my cover. Whichever.

If there's anything more I can do to make up for fucking things up with Vic just let me know. I'm really sorry. Please tell Dana I'm looking out for her and give her a hug for me if you see her, okay? And if anyone hurt her, I'm pretty sure I know how to do violence, so just like, hit me up.

~ Katie

Kate sunk her face in her hands to think about how messed up her life had become, and then went back to bed.


	2. There are Pieces of you Everywhere

Kate hadn't realized Mr. Jefferson was at the party until she heard the wave of sharp feedback cut through the Blackwell pool, followed by everyone suddenly cheering. But there he was, recoiling from the microphone he had just turned on until it settled down, at which point his laugh could be heard over it.

Max nudged Kate's side as if she wasn't already looking, while Luke just sat forward in his seat to get a better look.

"Okay, everybody calm down."

Of course, they did the opposite as everyone started yelling and whistling, making it almost impossible to hear him, nevermind command their attention.

"Thank you, thank you. I appreciate it. I don't want to get in the way of the party," he made a quick, pointed glance backstage - Kate could only imagine what he might be looking at -, "but it's time to announce the winner of the 'Everyday Heroes' contest."

Everyone started to quiet down a little, and Max started to twitch excitedly. Kate knew entering a photograph had been a big deal for her - she'd ripped up her original entry and only gotten a new one in recently, and she'd loved it.

"Before I do, I want to thank everybody who entered their photograph this year."

As if on cue, girls from around the pool started to whoop and cat call Mr. Jefferson, but he just laughed it off and continued. "Now this is the most important step in being an artist - sharing your work with the world." Max nodded along - she reminded Kate of someone hearing a sermon that went straight to the heart. It was just normal teacher stuff, but, well, Max was cute in that way.

Meanwhile, Luke just rolled his eyes.

"All of you represent Blackwell Academy and everything our school stands for. As far as I'm concerned, you're all Everyday Heroes."

"More like Everyday Monsters," Luke joked quietly.

Max snickered. Kate silently agreed.

Jefferson pivoted, looking back at the DJ. "The envelope - please."

 _He's so dramatic all the time. Doesn't he get tired of-_

"And the winner is . . ." he peeked down at the envelope. Max snorted, but also scooched to the edge of the bench. She was on edge, literally.

"Oh my, what a shocker." He looked up over the crowd and announced, "Kate Marsh!"

"OH MY GOD!" Max yelled the loudest she'd ever yelled in front of Kate. There was a slight delay, but some cheering and clapping followed suit.

Meanwhile, Kate just sat there with her mouth open. "Wait . . . what . . .?"

Luke shot her a look to let her know he wasn't impressed with her humble performance. "You won, you goon."

 _That doesn't make any sense._

"But I didn't even enter a ph- fuck."

It's true, she hadn't. But she had gotten a message that read, 'Dear Kate,' that said otherwise.

Now that the cheering was dying down a little, Jefferson spoke again: "Congratulations, Kate! Want to get up here and say something about your photo?"

The noise died down almost immediately to let her speak, and she desperately wished it hadn't. Max was looking at her. Luke was looking at her. Warren and Brooke and Courtney over next to the drinks were all looking at her. She got the sinking suspicion she might pass out - which, given how her life was going, might be the best solution for what was happening.

Kate stood up, and, as loud as she could, replied, "Uh, no thanks!"

Jefferson laughed, but Kate's peers were less amused - with the exception of Luke, who had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from laughing, too.

"Typical Kate humility, everybody. But don't worry, I'm sure she'll have something more to say tomorrow. We'll be showing Kate's photo before she heads off tomorrow at 9:00am in my class, so if you want to stop by and give Kate congratulations - and you should - or look at the prints gallery we'll have set up tomorrow, you'll have to wake up a little early. Now, you kids have fun."

He tapped the button on the mic, handed it off, and left.

 _I'm going to kill her._

* * *

Dear Katie,

Congratulations! You won the Everyday Heroes contest. I looked through your photography folder to try and figure out which one you entered, but I couldn't really tell which one - they're all so good! You're a really talented photographer, I wish you'd told me sooner.

I hope you'll be the one to wake up tomorrow morning so you can accept the award and fly down to SF with Mr. Jefferson. If you are, I think he wants you to say something at the awarding - which is at 9:00am tomorrow in the Photography room.

I don't know if it's you or Max who is friends with Luke, but we hung out a little today at the party. He seems nice but also kind of mean. I think he means well.

In regards to your offer to set up a Her profile for me, please don't. I'm not sure how I feel about dating in high school to be honest, and doing that I think suggests I have clearer ideas about myself than I really do. Plus, what if someone from school is on there and tells someone? I don't think apps like that have chastity vows in mind. I don't need more people thinking I'm weird, so just, please don't. If you make an account for yourself, please try not associate it with me.

I think Stella has been avoiding me. Do you know what's going on? I've barely seen her this year. Alyssa hasn't seen much of her either.

Also, I know you think Max and I should get closer, but I don't think that's a good idea. Max likes to be close to me and I think it's too much for me. Please don't lead her on about me, I don't want to stop being friends with her.

Please be advised: I'm lactose intolerant. I found your bags of Hot Cheetos in my drawer, but being vegan - lactose intolerance - please don't eat dairy products. I'm glad you haven't been eating meat, but I think that is probably what's been making us sick.

I've started a period calendar on my phone. My cycle's pretty inconsistent but JUST IN CASE it starts this weekend I'm packing you pads for the trip.

I found that you texted Mom about my doctor - what's wrong? My doctor's Dr. Zimmerman in Tillamook, you can look him up online and set up an appointment if you need to.

If you get to go to SF, tell me everything.

I hope you are well,

Kate

Unfortunately, Katie was not the one who woke up Friday morning at 6:25, she was not the one who had to give a stumbling acceptance speech when her photograph was unwrapped and shown to her, she was not the one who was told that she'd be leaving with Mr. Jefferson for the airport at 10:30. The picture was beautiful, of course - it was the interior of the Two Whales diner, at just an angle so that the entire bar was visible. Most of the people there were truckers and other regulars, but there was also a police officer clearly present, Preston, the former dockworker-turned environmental advocate, and, behind all of them, standing next to the jukebox, there was a tall, lanky girl with blue hair hugging a waitress who still had a tray in her hand. Her mother, Kate guessed. Of course, while that was all pretty clear, the shot was taken to include an out-of-focus poster that took up the middle-right. Kate hadn't noticed it when she'd just been looking at the jpeg, but once she had a chance to look at the print, she realized it was a poster about the use of prison labor to fight forest fires in California. She thought it might have been unintentional, until she realized that the fire referenced in the poster ended in 2011 - she managed to find a copy of the poster online later with minimal effort.

Katie, as it turned out, was a lover of irony.

* * *

It wasn't until they were after security at the airport that Kate got a text she hadn't been expecting.

 **Unknown:** Congrats on the win

Before she could ask 'who is this?,' she got a second message.

 **Unknown:** You're a better photographer than I realized. Don't get cocky though, I'll get you next time.

Kate did her best to text while walking, but she was terrible at it, and Jefferson just slowed down with a bemused smile and a glance at his watch.

 **Kate:** Who is this? Sorry, I don't have your number.

 **Unknown:** It's Victoria. We all switched numbers the first day of Photography, remember?

 **Kate:** Oh right. My bad, I hadn't created a contact for you.  
 **Kate:** But yeah, I was surprised! I'm sure you'll beat me next time too, haha :)

She added the contact info and put her phone away so she could speed up again. She felt her phone buzz again immediately, but ignored it until they were at the terminal.

 **Victoria:** real cute  
 **Victoria:** Learn to banter, Katie, it'll make this more fun in the future

Kate smiled. Teasing and outright bullying from Victoria had the same tone, the teasing just didn't sting on the level of personal shame and insecurity.

 **Kate:** Oh are we bantering? Here I was thinking I was having a run-in with my first fan.

This time, the '...' stayed around a bit longer, but the wait was nevertheless rewarding.

 **Victoria:** Touché  
 **Victoria:** Have fun in SF. I hear it's pretty gay there this time of year.

That actually made Kate feel less comfortable, but at least she knew Victoria was, for once, trying to be nice. Maybe one-upping her really was the way to get her to stop being mean. She'd have to start writing witty comebacks with Max sometime soon.

Kate kept her laptop on her lap during the flight so she could check out Katie's photographs some more, studying them in detail. After looking over the big print, she had the feeling that if she could just figure out what gave her pictures their wit, their two-steps-ahead quality, then maybe Kate could approach her own work like that. After all, Katie was using her eyes, her hands, her brain, her camera to make these images, wasn't she? So Kate must be capable of the same.

"Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I remember you saying your passion is painting, isn't that right?"

Kate's ears felt warm as she realized what this must look like. She slowly turned towards Mr. Jefferson with a warm, albeit fake smile. "Oh, yeah, of course! I just . . . uh . . . I can't help but second-guess myself. Bad habit."

She closed the laptop as Mr. Jefferson laughed quietly.

"Now, there's no need to be embarrassed," he said, scooting back to sit more upright in his seat. "I just didn't realize what a dedicated photographer you were when you first joined my class. You play an instrument too, don't you?"

Kate nodded. This was getting uncomfortable - not that her skills outside of photographer were less legitimate, really, as not liking the attention.

"Violin and piano," she replied.

"And what do you want to do after this, Blackwell Academy? Going to study art?"

Kate shook her head. "No, actually, I'm applying to be an English major. I'm also interested in journalism but I feel like switching from journalism to English will be harder than English to journalism, so . . ."

He looked amused, but quite pleased. "My, my, you're quite the all-star."

Kate hadn't realized she had shared so little about her academic interests during her time as Mr. Jefferson's assistant. Admittedly, sometimes it wasn't even her working with him, but most of their conversations started with some polite conversation and questions about her friends and life around school, followed by an hour of him prattling on about his work abroad. Not that she minded, really, but her keen interest in the life of a celebrity photographer had waned after about a week of it. There was nothing that made something quite so mundane as constant exposure to it.

"Thanks," she replied, and turned her attention out the window to California.

"You know," he started, shuffling around in his seat again, "You remind me of a former student."

Kate looked back at him now, curious. It's not like he'd been teaching very long - who could he possibly remind her of?

"Rachel was very multifaceted in her talents and interests as well. She was a gifted photographer, of course, but oh, she wouldn't have any of my suggestions to pursue it. She wanted to be a legal scholar, and started modeling in our very own little Arcadia Bay."

Kate nodded, looking back towards the window. "She was probably going to be valedictorian, too. I guess . . . that'll probably be Warren now."

There was a short pause while Kate let herself wonder where Rachel was and what could have happened to her. Then, Mr. Jefferson said, "I take it you knew her?"

"Yeah," she replied. "Up until the end of last year, it was the three of us still in the running - me and her and Warren. But . . . she hasn't come back, and I'm getting a C in physics, so."

No one had ever compared her to Rachel before, and she'd never had a reason to, either. They had been from different worlds that the other could not understand, and Kate, for all of Rachel's charisma, could not hold a conversation with her. Warren was easy to get along with, so long as you could take not understanding the pop culture references shooting out of his mouth every five seconds. Rachel was . . . well, whatever she was, Kate hadn't figured it out, and with her gone, it didn't look like she was about to.

All of a sudden, as Kate caught her reflection in the window, she felt a wave of sadness. _Where are you, Rachel? I know someone here misses you._

"I wish . . . Rachel were back," Kate mumbled.

Mr. Jefferson seemed to hear, though. He let out a sigh and reclined his seat as well as he could. "As do we all," he said.

But, for some reason, Kate didn't believe him.

* * *

Dear Katie,

I'm sorry you missed the Everyday Heroes awards. This was your big day and I feel like I stole it from you. But, don't worry - I'm recording the information of everyone I met who was interested in your photography so you can give them a call if you want. I really liked your photograph - Evan had a lot of critique of it I didn't really understand but I'm pretty sure he liked it. I missed doing homework Friday, though, so if you wake up this weekend please take a look at the planner so we don't fall any more behind.

Also, I'm sure you've seen the posters, but there's a girl who used to go here named Rachel Amber. It's so weird to try and describe what the school was like with her here because I transferred here, but, to me, Blackwell feels like Blackwell minus Rachel. Back when Rachel was here, Victoria wasn't half so bad to anyone because she was so busy trying to get at Rachel. I didn't even share with any classes with Victoria then and I'd still hear about the stuff she'd pull. But let's just suffice it to say that Rachel was a golden child. You can tell how perfect she was by the number of people who try and talk mean about her with graffiti and stuff - even people who didn't like her seemed obsessed with her.

Anyway, Rachel disappeared at the end of last year. She still had another year to go, (another month, too), but one day she was just gone. Some people told me she used to deal drugs and she might have gotten hurt because of that. She's probably fine - basically everyone thinks she just packed up and left one day - but, I don't know, I just wish I knew what happened to her. I really have missed her the past couple of days, even though we were never friends. If you ever find something out, tell me about it, would you? I wish I knew she was OK.

I saw on Amazon that you were looking at clothes. Do you want to buy some new clothes? I hadn't even thought about the fact that you might not like what I wear. I know it's really hard for us to schedule things but maybe we can work out a way for you to go shopping? I know it's impossible, but I sort of wish we could go together. I think it would be fun to be friends. At least, I like to think that.

Oh, also on Amazon - I know you really want a vibrator but I don't think I can afford it. And if I could, I'm still not sure how comfortable I'd be shipping it here to school. I'm sorry.

I hope you have a good day today;

Kate

P.S. Alice says hello

That night, as many other nights, Kate cried in bed without really knowing why. In her dreams, she saw a lanky girl with blue hair playing around with the jukebox inside the Two Whales diner. When she finally saw Kate, she smiled.

Then, there was nothing, and Kate Marsh was gone.


	3. give me Me back

"Kate! Shut the fuck up!"

 _What?_

Kate awoke suddenly as if from a nightmare. Her heart raced, and it took a second for the world to come into focus. She found herself lying in her bed, with her phone on her chest and her headphones in. Her right hand rested on her navel, but it was sticky and warm. She rubbed her legs together for a second and found that she was either very wet or she'd just started her period. It was too dark in the room to tell which, no light filtering in through the window.

"Thank you," Victoria said, obviously pissed.

 _Why is Victoria shouting at me? What time is it?_

Kate managed to answer both of those questions by lifting up her phone, finding herself at the end of some menage a trois on Pornhub. She grimaced and tapped out, finding the time: 5:34am. Why in the world was she up this early? And why wasn't her heart rate coming down?

It took her a few minutes to close out of her browser, put away her ear phones, clean up, and get her pajamas back on, after which she sat on the bed and wished herself gone for a moment. Why did she have to be awake right now? Why did Katie have to be awake at 5:30am? And why, if she felt so exhausted, did she also feel so energetic?

When she checked her phone again, dread suddenly crawled its way down her back. November _15_? She had lost _four_ days. What was even the last thing she could remember? She knew she got up Monday but . . . what had happened in class? Who had she spoken to? When did she disappear?

Kate got up from bed and sat down in front of her laptop, turning it on and waiting for it to boot up. As she drummed her fingers impatiently on the desk, she noticed a small white bottle she didn't recognize. She turned it around and read the label: Excedrin. Really? She'd never bought this. Was Katie having migraines?

Curious, she unscrewed the top and looked inside. She recognized the contents . . . but they weren't Excedrin. She dumped a few of them out on the table, spreading them out before picking one up, holding it up to the light of her computer screen.

She was right. It wasn't Excedrin. It was Adderall XR, just like what her little sister took. Why did Katie have Adderall? Kate didn't have ADHD. Unless . . .

Kate raised two fingers to her neck, and found that her heart was still racing.

Once her laptop was booted up, she went to check her notes for Katie's letter, but she found none. That's about when the panic set in. She had lost four days and had nothing to go on to tell her what had happened except a mislabeled bottle of pills.

She opened up her Facebook, her e-mails, her search history. She clicked into her messages on her phone and sat it next to the keyboard. Not knowing what had happened to her body frightened her, it frightened her even more than how she had begun to lose control of it. Kate had been frustrated with Katie before, but she'd never felt . . . violated like she did right now.

There were so many messages. It was amazing how much you could talk to people in four days. Max, Dana, Stella, Alyssa, Victoria, Warren, Hayden, Juliet. Sending messages to any of them didn't look suspicious or strange, really. It wasn't until she started to comb through them that Kate started to see where things went wrong.

 _Tues. 5:14_

 **Kate:** hey, stella, i heard you could get me a hook-up, is that true?

 **Stella:** What?

 **Kate:** you know, for studying. physics is killing me LOL

 **Stella:** What are you talking about Kate?

 **Kate:** you don't have to play pretend  
 **Kate:** Dana told me that VC buys from you  
 **Kate:** you sell addys and benzos, right? I want some  
 **Kate:** no tricks, no bullshit. I'm just having a hard time. help me out?

 **Stella:** Kate, I wish you wouldn't contact me on FB about something like this

 **Kate:** OK OK I'll text you

Kate checked her messages. She had to scroll up quite a bit to find Tuesday, but the cut between the last message that was her and the first one that was Katie was pretty easy to spot.

 **Kate:** Thanks stella! ^^

 _Tues. 5:38 PM_

 **Kate:** so?

 **Stella:** Kate, is something wrong? This isn't like you at all. And I don't think I'm comfortable selling you anything.

 **Kate:** relax, would you? it's totally fine. you know how hard it can be when you're on scholarship, and youre going to need scholarships to go to college  
 **Kate:** i know you do. and i'd really prefer if I could go to you, my friend, instead of nathan. he gives me the creeps .

 _Tues. 7:21 PM_

 **Stella:** OK  
 **Stella:** And you don't have to pay me. I'll just stop by your room.  
 **Stella:** Maybe we should study together sometime? I really don't want you to rely on these.

 **Kate:** yeah, totally, 100%, sounds good.  
 **Kate:** you're a good friend :)

The search histories didn't raise nearly the same concerns, but they still didn't make Kate feel any better.

search

chloe price  
chloe arcadia bay  
chloe

When Kate followed the most recent link, she saw a familiar face as the top result. When she clicked on it, it took her to the profile of someone named Chloe Elizabeth Price. And Kate realized immediately where she recognized this girl - she had been showing up in her dreams constantly since she won the Everyday Heroes contest. She had been the girl at the far back of the shot, hugging a blonde waitress. Since then she'd been seeing her around school every once and a while, just sitting out in the courtyard talking to Justin or some of the other boys. From the looks of things, she didn't hang out with other girls much.

Apparently, Katie just looked - they weren't friends, and she hadn't sent a request. Maybe she was just having the same dreams.

The Google search history was a little more concerning.

pornhub  
pornhub  
khan academy forces  
khan academy derivative functions  
khan academy calculus  
frank bowers arcadia bay  
damon merrick murder?  
damon merrick arcadia bay  
damon merrick  
tillamook county da  
youtube  
volume of a cone  
prescott foundation  
sean prescott  
sera gearhardt arcadia bay  
blackwell academy class of 1977  
blackwell academy class of 1976  
blackwell academy class of 1975  
blackwell academy class of 1974  
blackwell academy class of 1973  
blackwell academy class of 1972  
blackwell academy class of 1971  
blackwell academy class of 1970  
khan academy  
tillamook county missing persons  
arcadia bay missing persons  
rachel amber missing person  
rachel amber modeling  
rachel amber long beach  
rachel amber arcadia bay  
pornhub  
netflix  
exorcism  
spirits  
do you have to be dead to possess someone  
possession  
amazon  
why is the new romantics not on netflix  
netflix  
dream meaning

A murder? Rachel Amber? Sean Prescott? Exorcism? What was Katie looking up, and why?  
She could also stand to see Pornhub crop up less often.

Once Kate felt caught up on her conversations of the past few days, it was past 8:00am and whatever she was high on wasn't doing it anymore. She wondered how long she - how long Katie - had been awake. She couldn't imagine laying back down in bed, but she was also blinking every few seconds because the light irritated her eyes and she was losing focus. That was when she finally retired from the computer and her phone and decided to wrap a blanket around her head and not move for a few hours.

First, though, she had to check her planner and make sure nothing too big was happening today. Unfortunately, there were two messages written in all caps and circled with a red highlighter.

 **PHYSICS TEST**

 **MILE RUN**

 _No._ "God . . . dammit," Kate said. The panic set in again, but there was no juice behind it - she just felt tears suddenly well up and spill hot over her face. She was already doing so bad in physics. And although it looked like Katie had been pulling all nighters studying and researching God knows what, Kate didn't remember any of it. PE was period 2, and Physics period 4. She had also been expected to finish a hundred pages of _The Brothers Karamazov_ for AP English, but she'd only read half of it, and there would at least be a review and discussion today.

Kate was not one to fall apart if she could help it. But whatever energy, whatever willpower she normally leveraged, she felt like it had all been drained away sometime in the past four days, and she was so exhausted. She didn't want to move. School was just an everyday thing - how could it be so daunting to just catch up one week? How was she going to run a fucking mile like this? Why couldn't she just sleep instead of suddenly waking up with everything in the tank already spent?

Step one. She needed someone who had actually been awake for this past week who might be willing to help her. Brooke? They had AP Physics together. She was abrasive, sure, but she had never said no to helping Kate in class.

 **Kate:** Brooke, could you help me study for the Physics test during lunch? I feel like I haven't learned anything this last week and I'm freaking out. I'll owe you one.

Step two. She needed to stay awake, get through her first two classes, study through lunch and period 3 for physics, and take the test. But how was she supposed to . . .

And slowly, as the realization came to her, her eyes settled on the small white bottle beside her laptop.

* * *

The focus helps. It helps Kate get out of bed, eat oatmeal, read the SparkNotes, get through first and second period, study with Brooke without giving anything more away than the fact that she'd pulled an all-nighter. She'd seemed frustrated that Kate hadn't, or couldn't pick up what they had been taught, what she'd taken perfect notes on. But the ideas just didn't seem to be making sense.

Music lab was easier, but after a moment of chatting, Max grew quiet and just started to focus on working. Kate wondered what was bothering her. She wondered if it was herself.

The physics test . . . Kate was nowhere near ready. She did the work she could on the front page, skipping ahead when she couldn't seem to make any headway on the problem. But the first problem on the back page left her stumped. She had no idea where to start. She could read the words but it was like they wouldn't stick in her brain, and she couldn't make sense of them, nevermind remember the equations necessary to turn them into useful information. Over the following hour she finished maybe a third of the problems, just writing down what variables she could identify correctly and throwing down some math that looked right in hoping to earn a few points. She was the second to last person to leave, with only Stella staying in until the very last minute. She looked up at Kate with concern throughout the test, and again when she left.

Kate hated the attention. She wanted to be invisible. She wanted a fifth day of not being here. What was even the point at play-acting through a life she'd never get to entirely commit to? Even her friends she was only sharing. Nothing was ever going to be just hers again.

These are the sort of thoughts that kept repeating and bouncing around in her head until she found herself on her knees inside one of the dorm showers. She hated this. How had she let herself become so unraveled in such a short amount of time? Was she really, honestly so dependent on her daily routine to keep herself functional? People make it through a night or two without sleep. There are people who live every day with stimulants in their body to get through work, to get through the school day, as apparently one of her best friends helped people do.  
Was she just a weak person? Is that why Katie was slowly taking over her mind?

Kate bowed her head, letting the shower run rivulets down her back. She touched her forehead to the shower floor, which must be filthy, but she couldn't think of any other act of humility.

"Please . . . God, please. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to become her. If your gift is agency, please, why are you taking mine?"

Kate had been telling herself all this time that Katie was real, that she was some dead girl who lost her body but not her mind, and Kate was just some unfortunate vessel. But she wondered now if that was some fantasy of how the world can work, that even the loss of her body was serving to do some good. But what if Katie was no dead girl, not some poor soul, not someone who needed Kate's help? What if she was a devil, and Kate had been supposed to say, 'Get thee behind me', cast her out instead of being arrogant. What had Katie really done but take the life she'd chosen for herself away from her? But tempt her?

Kate thought of herself as a smart Christian, a discerning Christian, someone who did not accuse God of being behind the randomness of the world or people's evil and goodness. She had read the Old Testament and thought many times about turning her back on Him for the things that book said he did. She had never believed he'd turn his back on her. Not for secret misanthropy, not for her errant mind, for . . . how people like Max could make her feel. She could still live a good, happy life, so long as she treated herself, others, and the world with the respect they were due.

"Please. I don't want this test. I just want my life back."

At first, Kate thought there'd be no answer. She thought, she let herself believe that in her moment of need, she wouldn't be found worthy of help. She didn't even have a reason, just the feeling that she had been abandoned.

But she hadn't been. She should know better by now.

"Kate?" It was Victoria. "Is that you?"

"Vic-Victoria?"

"Yeah, it's me."

There was a brief pause before Victoria asked, "Are you okay?"

Kate laughed, picking her face up from the shower floor, closing her eyes so the water just ran down her face. Her hair clung to her back in an irritating clump. "No, I don't think I am."

It was quiet for a while. Kate picked herself up, leaning against the cold tile along the side of the shower.

Victoria spoke up again, "Do you need help?"

Kate replayed the question in her head several times before she suddenly burst out laughing. It wasn't funny, not really, but it was like she couldn't control it, but no matter how she tried to make it stop, they wracked her body until it hurt. Finally, she just grit her teeth and forced it to stop, breathing harder than she really should from the effort.

"I guess it must be pretty bad if you're offering to help me, huh?"

"I don't know - is it?"

Kate chuckled at that, but it didn't overwhelm her this time. "Yeah. I guess it's pretty bad."

Another pause, then, "Okay. I'm going to take a shower right now - can I come see you after?"

"Yeah . . . yeah. I guess that'd be okay."

* * *

Kate was surprisingly cold, wrapped in a blanket and sitting on her bed, just waiting for Victoria to get back from the shower. Now that she was out of the shower, she just felt embarrassed for how she'd fallen apart, how she was letting this all get to her. Four days gone wasn't much worse than four days being sick or four days in the hospital. Anyone could come back from four days. And the drugs, the lack of sleep? It was a Friday. She could spend the whole weekend asleep, in a coma, not moving a muscle until . . .  
Until Katie came back, and she took the Adderall again, and she didn't sleep again, and she left Kate without a clue of what happened to her again.

Victoria knocked, Kate said 'come in', and then she pulled up Kate's chair again to sit across from her. Kate gently rocked herself to feel okay.

Kate had never really gotten to see Victoria just out of a shower. She always showered in the early morning, and Victoria showered in the evenings when Kate didn't leave her room. Her wet hair was kind of spiky - a little goofy, even. She just wore a tank top and shorts, which Kate could not fathom was comfortable in November. Kate never understood those people, like Victoria, who kept their legs trimmed smooth when any reasonable person would wear nothing lighter than jeans, but if Victoria got cold, she didn't show it.  
Victoria looked . . . a little less sculpted than normal. Less made-up, less elegant. She looked cute. Something that would never stay intact when she started talking.

For the first minute or so, Victoria didn't say anything, she just held her head up while leaning her elbow on the chair arm, inspecting the room and Kate in quick glances. Whatever she was looking for, Kate couldn't tell, but whatever she was doing was practiced.

Finally Victoria spoke up. She asked, "How long has it been since you slept?"

Kate shook her head. "I don't know."

Victoria made the smallest of nods. Then, "Have you been eating?"

"I don't know."

Victoria bit the inside of her cheek. She didn't seem to like this conversation any more than Kate did.

"What have you been taking?"

That was something Kate had the answer to. "Adderall."

Victoria didn't seem surprised. "Stella?" she asked.

Kate nodded affirmative.

Victoria clicked her tongue. She looked disappointed. In Stella? Or Kate?

"Why?" she asked.

It seemed like a weird question. But it was one Kate had been asking herself, too. "I . . . I think it was because I had a C . . . in physics. Report cards are soon."

Victoria didn't look impressed with Kate's answer, but she didn't criticize it, either. What could she say that Kate didn't already believe? That it wasn't worth it? That having a "C" wasn't the end of the world? She knew that. She had thought Katie knew that, too. It's not like she'd seemed interested in studying more than she had to.

"This doesn't seem like you," Victoria said flatly.

Kate smiled weakly, nodding and looking down to avoid Victoria's gaze. "Well, you're not wrong."

Another quiet.

Victoria was looking somewhere else in the room when she asked, "Did you know I grew up Christian?"

Kate shook her head. "No, I didn't."

Victoria nodded. "Well, I did. I can't say I really gave a shit as a kid, we were the kind of family who went for Easter and watched the Nativity play. But when I was, I don't know, eleven?, I got really into it. Trying to make myself better, live the Ten Commandments, commit no adultery in my heart, that sort of stuff. I think it kind of pissed my parents off, really - I told them we shouldn't worship money, that God didn't like drinking, stupid shit. I somewhere along the line got the idea in my head that I could act good enough to get me and my family into heaven."

Kate had no idea why she was being told this. She also hated being some weird token kid who kept her faith who people felt they should confess they stopped believing to, which is where she felt this was heading. The Adderall and lack of sleep shortened her patience to the point she just decided to not say anything instead of pretending she cared what was the last straw for Victoria.

Victoria glanced at Kate, then resumed looking at the corner of the room. "I didn't entirely believe it, mind you. It just felt like the safe option. Hell scared me, so I just figured, hey, let's not. I'll just play along."

"It all seemed like it was going well. I think I was thirteen. I honestly don't remember who told me, but there was this woman who told me that, when the day of reckoning came, I'd be judged for what was in my heart. I think she meant it in a good way, like she was complimenting me for helping her or something. But that just scared me, because no matter what I did, my heart was never really in it. I could be the perfect-est Christian boy and still, they'd ask more?"

 _I don't care I don't care I don't care._

"So, I gave up. I had a drink. I transitioned. I wore designer clothes for no reason but because I could. I tried to make my outsides match my insides. At least that way, I was honest. No asshole angel could show up one day and let everyone know I'd been lying all along."

"I thought that was enough. You know, give God the bird, revel in the moral superiority of being honest, finally. But . . . a while later. I had this friend who attempted suicide a few times."

Despite her agitation, there was still a tiny reservoir of sympathy in Kate, and it was at least enough for her to finally look at Victoria.

"She was Christian, too. She hated it, too, but her parents wouldn't have it any other way. Studied scripture for years in seminary - she was Mormon. And she refused to play the part, too. She told me a few times at least, that she believed in God because she could tell he hated her. I really vibed with that. It made me feel powerful. It felt good to be something important enough to be hated."

"But, yeah, anyway. This one day she texts me a goodbye. I panic, try to talk her down, find out her plan. A dumbass plan, too - drowning in a bath tub, putting a mattress over it and taking tranquilizers until she couldn't fight back. But, stupid plan or no, I freaked out. Tried to get ahold of her parents, but I couldn't. Didn't know her address. I was stuck in Seattle, and she was here, so there wasn't anything I could do. So, I prayed. Thought it was the only thing left I could do. I just asked Him to spare her. I don't know why I thought he'd listen, really, I didn't offer anything in exchange. I just begged. I didn't want to lose her. If He couldn't have mercy, maybe pity."

She stopped there. Kate expected her to continue, but as the seconds dragged on, Kate became unsure.

"What . . . what happened to your friend?"

"Hm?" Victoria seemed to awaken from a reverie. "Oh. She was unconscious for fourteen hours. The drainage in her tub was pretty good and the water never got over her head. Not enough drugs in her system to kill her. She just woke up, pushed off the mattress and sent me an apology for scaring me."

Kate didn't understand. The story made her sad, but she didn't get anything out of it. "Why are you telling me this?"

Victoria quirked her eyebrows, then folded her hands in her lap. Her feet were up on Kate's desk now, and she swished back and forth a little as she thought.

"Hm. I guess . . . it's because I heard you praying. But not like, real praying. You were begging. You thought you'd lost every bit of power you had, right?"

At first, Kate sat still. Even thinking that just made her more embarrassed and ashamed for the way she'd felt in the shower. But slowly, she nodded.

"Been there," Victoria said. "But I really do think God can't help but take pity on us, small and evil as we are. I don't think there's any bargaining with Him, or pleasing Him really, but I think he feels guilty for the shit we're put through sometimes."

And the irritation is back. "So what?" Kate asks. It's more snide than she anticipated.

Victoria doesn't seem to mind. "So, you get a second chance. You hit your low point and now, here you are. What now? What do you need from your life now that God can give you?"

Kate chuckled quietly again. What did she want? What had she been asking for, really?

"What do I need? I need . . . control. I need to stop losing time. I need some way for my commitments to be upheld. I need to feel like my body is mine. I need to feel like there's something good about me that I chose, like I'm not just acting in a play written by someone else. I need to feel like Me, and to know what that is."

Victoria quirked her eyebrows again. "Tall order," she replied. She mulled it over for a while and said, "What feels like you? If you're in control, and you get to write what happens next, what do you do?"

The first thing that came to mind, the first thing she could finally think of that wasn't what she wanted to stop happening, but what she saw in her mind's eye as happening next, it was wrong. And she knew it. It was precisely the sort of thing she was mad at Katie for doing, the sort of thing that made her feel like she had no control, because she had said 'No' and something inside of her had done it anyway. It was temptation. It was Kate had to rise above to be herself again.

She stood up, standing tall above Victoria for probably the first time. Her hands trembled and she wasn't sure how strong her legs were. She didn't say anything.

Victoria stared up at her curiously. "What is it?" she asked, concerned.

Kate leaned down and reached out at the same time. Her fingers hooked inside Victoria's shirt and pulled it into a bunch in her fist. Fear flashed in Victoria's eyes, as if she were about to be hit. And Kate considered that, too.

Instead, Kate kissed her because she could, and absolutely no one could or would tell her to do it. Because Katie had, and she hadn't 'meant it', whatever the fuck that means. No one in heaven or Earth wanted Kate to kiss Victoria Chase, but she did not care.

Victoria was breathing hard by the time they stopped kissing. Kate's breath was shallow, but she had no idea which thing wrong with her right now was causing that.

"This would be easier if you were on the bed."

Victoria complied once Kate released her from her grasp, sitting on the edge of the bed. Kate couldn't read her expression. Was she horrified? Disgusted? Just shocked? Kate put a hand on her chest and pushed her down as she straddled her, putting probably too much weight on Victoria's chest as she leaned over to kiss her again.

Then, some part of her, some part of her humanity woke up and shocked her into awareness. What would she be if she took control by taking Victoria's away? Would she just be the devil growing in her heart, alive and in control at last?

"Is this okay?" Kate asked.

Victoria was still breathing hard. She licked her lips and blinked a few times as she tried to gather her thoughts. "I thought . . . that I hated you. For never wanting anything selfish. For being good."

Kate didn't feel good. She didn't feel evil, either. She felt like there was nothing outside of this room, outside of her and Victoria right now, that they were invisible to fate and consequence. She felt like absolutely nothing else mattered, least of all the dead girl who lived in her head.

"What do you think now, now that I'm no good anymore?"

There was a part of Kate that knew she was spiraling, that she was losing her grip because she hadn't slept in days, that she didn't even like Victoria or want her. But Kate just told herself that she didn't care. She was writing the script now, and she decided she didn't care about any of that.

"Like I'd be taking advantage if this goes any further."

Kate wrapped her fingers around Victoria's wrists, leaning forward even more to pin them to the bed. She wasn't strong enough to hold Victoria down, and she knew it, but the illusion of control was enough. "Let me make this easy for you, then." Their kiss was rough and passionate and absolutely nothing like what Kate wanted for her first kisses, but those had been taken from her already, hadn't they?

But, like Kate had known, Victoria was stronger than her, and after maybe a minute of them making out and when it became clear that Kate didn't plan to stop it there, Victoria pulled her hands free from Kate's restraint and shoved her off from on top of her. Victoria sat up while Kate returned upright, sitting with her legs crossed on the bed. Victoria was panting and her skin was flushed red. Kate would never have been able to see if Victoria's makeup was on like usual, but it was only too easy to see her effect like this.

"Kate, I think I should go. You're not yourself."

Victoria was right, and she was also wrong.

Victoria stood up and made for the door, but Kate interrupted her, dropping down onto her stomach and sitting her head on her hands, staring up at Victoria as she left.

"What did you feel," Kate asked, "When you heard me masturbating this morning? I have to assume I was loud if I woke you up."

And Victoria paused, her hand on the door handle. She froze there for a second, then took a deep breath. She turned to look back at Kate, but didn't immediately say anything in response.

"Would you like to do that to me yourself?"

Victoria was considering it. She looked Kate over with eyes wide and uncertain and absolutely nothing like she'd ever looked at Kate before.

"It would be wrong," she said.

Kate smiled. "I don't care."

And, after a few more seconds of self-control, of warning and warring with herself, Victoria crumbled. And a few seconds after that, she's on top of Kate, and they get the write the story their way after that.

 _Dear Katie,_ Kate thought, self-satisfied and, underneath it all, still so angry. _Fuck you._


	4. I couldn't get her out of My mind

**Words:** ~ 6,800

Summary: Kate has a horrendous Thanksgiving with her family, interrupted by some nice pictures from Victoria's bathroom. She runs into Chloe Price and Rose Amber and joins them for a smoke.

* * *

Dear Kate,

Happy Thanksgiving! I can't be totally sure you're going to be the one to wake up, but I'm praying you will be LOL! I've been reading and re-reading your notes on the fam so I can say the right stuff. For instance, I won't call out Aunt Martha for being a raging homophobe, I WILL ask Lynn about soccer, etc. I'm gonna kill it. I'm great with parents! Probably.

I had our study date with Stella, and everything went fine. I said I'd try and be careful with the addys and it was just a bad week and she relaxed. I think maybe the reason she was avoiding you was because she was dealing, and she'd feel judged if you found out? She didn't really say but those are the vibes I got from her.

I got an 'A' on the Brothers K essay! I left it on the desk so you could read it if you'd like, maybe throw some of my clever points out in class when you get back ;) No need to thank me. Unless you want to, in which case you can buy me something off my wishlist on Amazon.

Speaking of which, I was thinking we could do some sort of gift exchange before we head home for Christmas. Dana wants to do a secret santa and I signed us up, I hope that's okay. But I'd also like to get you some stuff. Can you think of any way we could buy each other gifts without the other knowing about it? I'm thinking I'll just literally bring gift bags with me when I go shopping so you don't have a chance to wake up before I get them wrapped lol. Lastly, I wanted to buy some of the girls in the dorm HP scarves. I'm thinking Alyssa - Ravenclaw, Stella - Slytherin, Max - Hufflepuff/Gryffindor, Dana - Hufflepuff, Juliet - Ravenclaw, Taylor - Slytherin, Courtney - Slytherin/Ravenclaw? Honestly I don't know them that well and I literally have no idea how long it's been since I've read HP so I might be off-base.

your story about Vic and the porn: THAT IS AMAZING HOLY SHIT. Like I'm sorry I woke her up (I was a little wacked out that week, my bad lol) but that's so funny. I can't believe she worked up the guts to yell at you. I think I'd strangle me for waking me up that early if I was her.

I know this is a little dark but I wish I could spend Thanksgiving with my family. Or, at least, I wish I knew if I'd like them enough to spend it with them. Your family seems great but the holidays seem depressing AF honestly. I really hope it's you tomorrow, not me. I'm probably going to cry or some shit if that happens. I wonder what I'll even do if I get to meet them.

Last thing: I've discovered that I'm actually pretty good at singing? which I did not expect. You never told me! So I jammed out with Max a little and it was really cool and fun and she brought up the possibility of doing covers on Youtube. It would probably be at least a kind of ongoing thing so . . . do you think you'd be up for it? I know things are a little weird between you two rn, and I don't know if you sing, so I thought I'd ask. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your family.

~ Katie

Kate let herself have a smile. It was so much less frightening to wake up with time lost as long as one of these notes was there.

* * *

Thanksgiving with the Marsh family this year was at Aunt Martha's, like it is most years, even though it's much smaller than what Kate's family had. Mobility was a pretty continual issue for her, so she stayed home unless she absolutely had to, and Kate's mom did the best she could to make sure she wouldn't have to. Aunt Martha was a miserable middle-aged woman whose husband had died too young while her bones withered away from tumors that, by most estimations, should have killed her. She was exactly the sort of person that Kate had been taught to sympathize with, to help selflessly. But, try as she might, Kate hated her, hated that suffering had made her so insufferable, and hated that there was absolutely nothing Kate could do that she thought was of any value.

As Kate sat in the living room on a couch across from Aunt Martha's chair, she wondered what Martha would have to say if she knew Kate had sex with women, or that there was the spirit of a dead girl that made her do evil things living inside her. If wanting to be a children's author and a vegan was too much disappointment for her, what would that do to her poor, fragile heart? Maybe it would be too much for her, and Kate would never have to spend another holiday in this musty house.

Kate had been having more trouble keeping her misanthropic thoughts out of her head since she'd been putting herself together. That, apparently, was the price of letting yourself fall apart. Or abusing drugs, it wasn't totally clear which.

"So, Katie, tell me how school's going. You're a senior, aren't'cha?"

Kate nodded. It was the same few questions every year.

"Where are you applying to college?"

Kate sighed. "I'm not. Blackwell has a two-year program for seniors, and I'm taking college credit there."

"Oh, I see." She paused, but Kate could already feel the next question coming. Aunt Martha didn't disappoint: "But why stay there when you could go to a _real_ college?"

Kate bit back the sarcasm that wanted to rise inside her. "Because most universities don't have a career-oriented program for English majors, nevermind for people who want to do what I want to do."

"Mm, right," Aunt Martha replied, nodding her head as she remembered. "Children's books, right? It hardly seems like you need a college degree forthat. Or . . . is that the point?"

 _God, not this again._ Why did Kate's family think that her desire to go to university was some cloaked attempt to be unsupervised around boys? When had she ever needed supervision to stay away from boys? Kate's eyes narrowed; "I'm not planning on finding a husband in college, if that's what you mean," she said.

This was always a sore subject between them, because that is precisely what Aunt Martha had done, and what Kate's own parents had done. Her insistence that she wouldn't do the same at least only came off as stubbornly independent to her mom, but to Aunt Martha, it was like it was an insult, like Kate thought she was better than her because she needed a man less.

Aunt Martha seemed to sense the tension, and she laughed. "No, of course not. I suspect we'll be waiting a while before we find a man who can keep up with you. I can't imagine an _English_ department will have many boys ready to ask a girl like you out."

Kate bunched up her skirt in her fists, her leg bouncing up and down as a vent for her irritation. She wished Mom and Dad would call her in to help with Thanksgiving dinner, but the kitchen was small and Kate was, honestly, a terrible cook, so they never did now that she was old enough to only be called on when she was needed.

Aunt Martha was always like this. She didn't insist, like Mom did, that Kate had been taken in by the hairy feminists who insisted on women doing everything men can do to make themselves feel better for being unable to have a happy family. No, Aunt Martha had almost always seemed to recognize that there would never be a point where Kate would agree with her vision of a good life. She just thought Kate was tragically stupid. That Kate thought the world could give her something that a good family couldn't find by the grace of God. She thought Kate was materialistic, naive, and most of all, unwanted. And Kate couldn't help but hate her for it.

* * *

"So, sweetie, how is the abstinence club going?"

Kate choked on a bite of shepard's pie, the only thing she could really eat on the table because she'd made it herself. It took a few seconds of hitting her chest with her hand before she felt like she could safely breathe again, and everyone looked at her with concern.

Kate shook her head to regain her bearings. "Um. Yeah, it's doing really good. There's not a lot of people in it, but it's very supportive. We have movie nights in the dorms and watch documentaries. It's good."

Dad looked from his food, concern clearly written on his face. "Are kids still giving you trouble about it? I know you said there were some girls being mean about it."

"Aha. Yeah," Kate said, nervously brushing some loose strands of hair behind her ear. "I think they got bored. Bullies, you know, they just like to get a rise out of you, so." Kate returned to trying to eat her food.

Kate hated talking about bullying, but she hated it twice as much with Lynn and Katrina listening. She always wanted them to believe that people were kind to Kate, and that she was kind to them. She wanted them to think that being kind would pay off. Not everyone was ready to accept that people are cruel, and you can't make them stop with kindness. Certainly not at their age. She also seriously didn't want to talk about the abstinence club, because if she let it slip that the membership was half Muslim and that the facilitator (Kate) wasn't even abstinent, this Thanksgiving dinner would completely implode.

Kate decided to take things into her own hands and change the conversation. "Lynn! How's soccer been?"

Lynn shrugged. "It's okay. It's not as fun anymore since we started being ranked, though."

Aunt Martha seemed amused. "You still get trophies for playing, though, don't you?"

Lynn seemed both taken aback and confused. She couldn't understand why the question was loaded - it's not like she watched the news or spent much time on the internet.

So, Kate interjected on her behalf, "I get that. I don't like competing, either, it kind of spoils the fun."

Lynn nodded, but Aunt Martha just raised her eyebrows. At the very least, she didn't say anything in response, just returned to her food.

Kate's phone buzzed. It would be rude to check it during dinner . . . but she just really didn't want to focus on dinner right now.

 **Victoria:** Does your Thanksgiving suck as much as mine rn?

Kate smirked, settling her phone on her leg. She was careful with a touch screen - she didn't need to look to type, especially thanks to auto-correct.

 **Kate:** more.  
 **Kate:** my dad just asked about the abstinence club

"Kat?" Kate asked. Her sister gave her a glance. "How's robotics?"

"I quit."

Now that was something shocking. And disheartening. "But you love robotics," she replied.

Katrina seemed to think it over for a second, then shrugged slowly. Kate knew, of course, that Mom had always hated that Kat was so involved with robotics - it kept her out of the house for hours after school, and competitions often took her away for weekends and demanded even more hours away from home from her. Just like Kate had thrown herself at service projects and youth programs to stay out of the house, Katrina had been well on her way to becoming a professional right out of high school thanks to years on the Robotics team. Kat didn't really want to make a career out of it, though, and Mom had never understood putting so much time into developing skills you weren't going to use. If she knew her kids were doing it to stay away from her, she was just spiteful about it.

 **Victoria:** wow  
 **Victoria:** My family's just getting hammered because they can't stand talking to each other  
 **Victoria:** You win though

 **Kate:** thanks i know  
 **Kate:** also they asked if you were bullying me still

Mom was the next one to speak up. "Oh, Katie. Maria Anderson sent me a copy of your school newspaper. You didn't tell us you had won a photography competition, sweetie. In LA, that's so exciting!"

"Oh. Yeah. I guess I just forgot, I'm sorry. I've been really busy with school this semester." _And the competition was in San Francisco._

Now Dad chimed in. "Have you been getting more involved with photography? I know you were unsure about it when you signed up."

Kate thought about it for a second, then nodded. She took a bite of shepard's pie, and the conversation halted, waiting for a better reply. "Yeah, actually. I'm the photography professor's student aide, and one of my friends is actually going there just to study photography."

Mom seemed intrigued. "Oh? The fashion photography celebrity from the pamphlet?"

Kate nodded affirmative.

"Well, that's exciting!"

Kate shrugged. "I guess. He's kind of self-important in real life, though."

Dad snorted. Then he said, "Well, I guess once you get famous, it's easy to get like that."

"I guess."

 **Victoria:** Oh? bullying you?  
 **Victoria:** What did you tell them?

 **Kate:** i mean you were totally bullying me  
 **Kate:** i just said everyone got bored bullying me because you can't get a rise out of me

 **Victoria:** roflmao

It was several minutes before Kate got the next message from Victoria

 **Victoria:** You're right. I should probably make it up to you.  
 **Victoria:** So you're still at the dinner table, right? Now would be a horrible time to get caught doing something terribly un-Christian?

 **Kate:** i mean, yeah?

 **Victoria:** You probably shouldn't open up your messages again for a while, then.

Kate had absolutely no idea what that meant. Or did she know what it meant, just not believe it could possibly be happening? Even when her phone buzzed again, she thought the idea was so ridiculous, she must be getting ahead of herself and-

Nope.

Victoria had sent her a picture without a shirt on, leaning against the door of what appeared to be a pristine bathroom. Her skirt was pulled down just enough to expose her underwear, which was pink and it matched her bra and-

Kate dropped her phone. It startled her a lot worse than everyone, but it startled everyone.

"Oh, sorry," she said, retrieving her phone from the floor.

"Katie, put your phone away at the dinner table," her mother admonished.

There was a second photo now. Now it was a selfie instead of a mirror photo, with Victoria sitting on the counter beside the sink. Her skirt was pulled all the way down to her ankles now, and the angle somehow managed to get her eyes and collar bone and breasts in good lighting. Victoria really knew how to use a phone camera.

"Mhm," Kate said, slipping her phone in her pocket.

She could barely eat after that, and she dropped her fork several times.

* * *

Kate decided to go for a walk after dinner, which she had done nearly every Thanksgiving in the past years, though not previously to text girls sending her bathroom selfies.

 **Kate:** WTF!  
 **Kate:** I was with my family!

 **Victoria:** I invited you not to look.

 **Kate:** You call THAT inviting me not to look?

 **Victoria:** You're the one who looked.

 **Kate:** That's gross logic. Victim blaming.

 **Victoria:** Oh? So you didn't like them?

Kate's jaw felt rigid for some reason, like she was holding back a scream. She was walking awfully fast down the sidewalk, making her way towards the wealthier part of the suburbs.

 **Kate:** That is not the conversation we're having.  
 **Kate:** No bathroom selfies without warning. Illegal! Victoria: But . . . bathroom selfies are okay, then?

Kate decided to reply to that question with another question: a random handful of emojis followed by a question mark emoji.

 **Victoria:** God you're such a lesbian

Kate felt a tingle run down her spine just reading the word. She'd always felt like her liking women and her being a lesbian were two totally different ideas. She couldn't help the first one. But the second one always felt like she had to do something, be someone she wasn't to earn it. She believed she had soundly rejected the life 'lesbian' implied to her. But now, here she was. A lesbian after all.

 **Kate:** You know you're the first person to call me that without meaning to be mean. Victoria: Yeah, I'm not a tool.

Kate could tell she was in the richer part of the suburbs now by how much better-lit the streets were. The roads looked recently paved, the lawns recently trimmed. It was the sort of upkeep you could only really afford if you had someone else do it for you.

 **Kate:** Hey so I have a weird favor to ask

Victoria: Need me to slash someone's tires?

 **Kate:** No?  
 **Kate:** Why? Is that a thing people really do?  
 **Kate:** Could you get me a vibrator?

 **Victoria:** That's literally not weird at all, one  
 **Victoria:** Two, this implies that you were making those godforsaken noises thanks to your HAND?  
 **Victoria:** I'll get you a vibrator AND a gag

 **Kate:** Hey, you know, I actually feel really weird about all of this.  
Like, all of it.  
Like what is going on right now.  
Like how did we have sex?  
And how are you flirting with me right now?  
None of this makes any sense.

 **Victoria:** you're telling me  
 **Victoria:** I'd like to say I'm not questioning it, but I'm not actually the sort of girl who can not question anything, lol  
 **Victoria:** But if I remember correctly, you had a nervous breakdown and then seduced me?  
 **Victoria:** And I'm honestly surprised you can even recognize flirting  
 **Victoria:** What with you being a founding member of the school's abstinence club

 **Kate:** I guess I'm just totally losing my sense of identity and replacing it with lesbianism

 **Victoria:** yikes  
 **Victoria:** but also nice - solid improvement  
 **Victoria:** no offense

Kate laughed. That was right, wasn't it? If Kate was still who she had been at the start of the month, Victoria wouldn't be flirting with her and sending her sexy pictures during Thanksgiving dinner. If Kate was still who she had been at the start of summer, someone who never would have kissed Victoria just to mess with her, then Victoria would still be mocking her, defacing her club posters right in front of her, just shitting on her at every turn. The only reason Victoria was treating her nicely was because she changed. The Kate that Kate still thought of as herself, the version of her that she was just on vacation from and would be again one day, she would never be in this situation. Victoria didn't like Kate. She liked whatever mangled version of her this was.

 **Kate:** None taken.  
 **Kate:** You're not exactly regular-me's type, anyway

 **Victoria:** Wow, savage much?  
 **Victoria:** You don't think I'm cute?

 **Kate:** Oh you are  
 **Kate:** I just like nice people

 **Victoria:** haha!  
 **Victoria:** That's fair  
 **Victoria:** So who do you like? You know, normally. Kate: I feel like you seriously do not comprehend the Christian + Lesbian experience Victoria: Try me.

God. Was she seriously going to talk to Victoria about this? Of all people?  
Then again, who else did she have? Katie? How would Katie possibly understand? She'd never been interested in Kate's chastity vows. She would have broken them if Kate hadn't first. The way she always talked about which girls were cute and who Kate should date with absolutely no regard for how much it hurt her? Katie was just a fundamentally different person. Restraint just wasn't written into her personality.

 **Kate:** OK fine  
 **Kate:** I literally monitor myself to make sure I don't develop feelings for anyone  
 **Kate:** Because there is no version of that that isn't a disaster.  
 **Kate:** Step one, like a person. Based on my inclinations, probably a girl. Oops. Put on the brakes.  
 **Kate:** Step two, date a person. I took vows. And I took them knowing it wasn't going to be easy. I don't think I could ever be close enough with someone to call it dating and not be tempted. Oops. Put on the brakes.  
 **Kate:** Step three. Fall in love. But I'm not going to be sticking around here. I'm going to go off to college and I don't really plan on coming back. Fall for someone in college? We just break up or get married and those are samely awful because marriage is a sham that helps reinforce white supremacy in America and marriage is only going to distract me from getting through my education. And hey, getting dumped sounds pretty bad, too. Oops. Put on the brakes.  
 **Kate:** So I don't "like" anyone normally. It can't be anything but a train wreck.

Victoria never seemed to start a message and not finish it within seconds. She was sure of what she wanted to say before she even tried to say it. You can see indecision in those little "..." that pop up on your phone, and Victoria's lasted longer than Kate expected.

 **Victoria:** ... but you like me?

 _Dammit._ Kate had said that, hadn't she? For Katie's sake. So Katie wouldn't be lonely. Of course. That's really why this was all happening, wasn't it? Because Kate told a little white lie in hopes of helping someone?

 **Kate:** For now.

It was curt. It was mean, and honestly, probably a little degrading. But Kate sent it anyway.  
Victoria was quick to respond.

 **Victoria:** I can live with that. But I have to tell you, I think your brakes might be broken.

 _That's not all that's broken._ The thought made Kate smile, but it also hurt like a hole had been made in her lung.

Kate wished she could explain her situation. She wished she could explain that she never meant to take Adderall, she never meant to kiss Victoria, she never meant to do anything but keep living her closed-off, secure, closeted life, but that the choice had been taken from her. She wished she could explain that she only let the thought of having sex with Victoria be anything more than the most passing, unwelcome fantasy because she wanted to get back at an invader in her own body. She wished she could be cruel and tell Victoria that she wasn't as special as she must think she is, because absolutely none of this was about her. She was just the girl around when any would have done (any girl she didn't fear falling in love with, at least). Victoria thought she'd taken advantage of Kate - she even apologized for it the next day. The thought hadn't even seemed to occur to her that she was the one being taken advantage of.

But, in the end, Kate had to admit she was having fun.

 **Kate:** Send me another photo.

Victoria didn't text back. Kate was fairly convinced that was because she was listening, and here in a few minutes she'd have a new picture of Victoria to titillate her for absolutely no reason other than she wanted it. Victoria, as bossy as she was, liked being told what to do.  
Kate had never felt the impulse to obey. She wondered how easy it would have been for her to keep living her life as planned if she didn't have to struggle every step of the way against herself. If only obedience was as easy for her as it was for Victoria.

Out of the corner of her eye, Kate saw something that had haunted her dreams. Something that had always seemed far away, ephemeral, not really part of the same world that Kate lived in, sort of like Katie. No matter how much she'd seen it, she never really thought of it as something real.

The girl with the blue hair stood on the porch of one of the nicest houses on the street beside a short, black-haired woman. They each had a cigarette in their mouths, chatting amicably after a Thanksgiving dinner. Chloe Price: The girl of Kate Marsh's dreams. How strange it was that they'd never talked.

Finally, Chloe caught Kate standing there next to the driveway, looking at her with wide eyes of wonder and, frankly, fear.

"Yo!" she called. "Is that Kate Marsh?"

Kate just blinked. Of course. Of course they had met, and Kate just didn't remember. "Chloe Price?" she called, knowing full well the answer.

"Sup?! Wanna bum another cigarette?"

 _Another_ cigarette? Looks like that was another thing Kate didn't know she'd been doing. "Sure," she replied, and walked up the unfamiliar driveway to stand on the porch with Chloe and the unfamiliar woman.

"Hi, I'm Kate," she said, offering a hand to the Unfamiliar Woman.

"Rose," the woman replied as she shook Kate's hand, a wry smile on her face. "A friend of yours I take it, Chloe?" Rose asked before taking another drag from her cigarette. Kate absolutely hated the smoke from cigarettes. She was resolved to put it in her lungs.

Chloe nodded with a smile. "You can take it all the way to the bank. Kate here is an art student at Blackwell and co-friend to one Max Caulfield. She plays the violin beautifully and assists Mark Jefferson, fashion photographer and total hottie, as his class aide."

Kate had absolutely no idea how Chloe could possibly know all this stuff about her when all Kate knew about Chloe was that she ate at the Two Whales diner sometimes, and she didn't exactly have definitive proof of that, either.

"Well, Chloe, that's quite an impressive introduction-"

"-Thank you Mrs. Amber-"

"- But maybe Kate should get to talk about herself instead? And maybe you should light her cigarette, as she clearly doesn't have a light."

"My bad."

Kate held the cigarette in her mouth, bracing herself for what was to come. Chloe lit the cigarette and Kate inhaled and it felt like death and Kate immediately began to choke and cough.

Chloe pointed at Kate with her cigarette between her fingers. "You see, she keeps telling me she's a smoker, but I think she's just flirting with me."

Here Kate was, having one of the worst cardiovascular experiences of her life, and there Chloe was, making jokes at her expense like they were close friends. What in the actual goddamn?

"Are you alright, hun?" Rose asked as Kate managed to finally get a lungful of clean air. She nodded, not really aiming to talk so soon after embarrassing herself.

"Well, then, I _hear_ -" she gave a pointed stare at Chloe, who just smirked before putting the cigarette back in her mouth, "- that you've taken over my daughter's TA position. How is that going for you?"

 _Wait, what?_

"Rose . . . Amber," Kate mumbled, fitting the pieces together. Her eyes flicked up to Rose's face, wide with shock. "You're Rachel's mom."

Rose nodded. "That I am. Or I was, when she was still interested in having a mother." There was clear frustration in her face as she said it, but it cleared up a moment later. She shot Kate an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that in front of a stranger."

Chloe waved it off. "Nah, don't worry about it. She's heard me say worse. Katie here has been helping Max and me with some . . . extracurricular activities lately."

"I . . . have?" Kate asked. But Chloe said it without hesitation, she couldn't just be making it up, could she? "I mean, I have been, yeah," she corrected.

Rose conceded the point but still said, "Forgive me, Kate. It's our first big holiday without Rachel home and I'm . . . being bitter."

Chloe cracked a smile, snapping a finger gun at Rose. "And a little drunk!"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Yes, all right, and a little drunk. But mostly bitter."

"I'm . . . sorry, that must be so hard for you."

Kate suddenly felt stripped bare, exposed in an unusual way. She felt ashamed for the petty ways she'd been acting the past few days. There were people outside of her life, outside of her head who were having real problems, real concerns, and they still seemed to hold it together. Somewhere in the past few weeks of struggling against herself and abandoning all responsibility, the missing persons posters that littered her school had all become invisible, and she had forgotten that she missed Rachel, that she should care that Rachel was gone. Some people, though, didn't have the luxury of forgetting just because other things were going on.

"Yes . . . yes I suppose it is," Rose said, a faraway look in her eye as the embers of her cigarette glowed bright. She extinguished her cigarette on an ash tray left out on the deck railing and sighed. "I think some part of me thought she'd come home for the holidays. That she didn't . . . I don't know what it means."

The implication, though, hung in the air between them, a miasma worse than the cigarette smoke. Kate and Chloe both took a drag from their cigarettes to try and distract themselves from the thought of Rachel dead and buried somewhere, though the lack of oxygen and ensuing coughing fit did a much better job at distracting Kate than the nicotine.

After a moment, Rose said, "Well, I'm going to head inside. The Chardonnay isn't going to drink itself, I'm afraid." As she turned towards the door, she clapped a hand on Chloe's shoulder. "Just come in when you're ready."

Chloe nodded with a good-natured smile, and then Rose went inside.

Kate raised her cigarette again, but hesitated before it reached her mouth. Chloe laughed, and Kate tilted her head in confusion. "You don't have to smoke it, dude. Like in all seriousness, you should quit while you're ahead."

Kate pulled the cigarette away from her mouth and stared at it for a second. She considered smoking it just to be obstinate, but, honestly, the shtick was getting old for her. There were parts of 'no responsibilities' that she liked, but smoking was not one of them.

"Yeah, you're right." Kate extinguished her cigarette and leaned on the railing opposite of where Chloe stood.

"So, Chloe Price," Kate started, folding her hands in front of her. "You seem to know a lot about me. What's there to know about you?"

Chloe looked pleased at the prospect of talking about herself, and held her cigarette at her side once she'd finished what looked like the last of it. She blew up, trying to keep it out of Kate's face.

"Well, Katie, I'm nineteen years old, a natural blonde, my favorite color is blue and I like long, romantic walks on the beach. Oh, and I'm chainsmoking outside of my best friend's house to distract myself from the most depressing Thanksgiving I've ever had, and let me tell you, I've had some bad ones."

As much as Kate might like to ask about that, there was something far more interesting to her: "So, you and Rachel were close?"

Chloe quirked her eyebrows. "Was it the hundred or so missing persons posters or the breaking into your principal's office? Thanks, by the way."

Kate blinked. "For what?"

Now it was Chloe's turn to look confused. "For the . . . key to Wells's office? Max and I couldn't have done it without you, seriously."

 _I helped them break into Wells office?  
Katie, what are you getting yourself into here?  
Chloe doesn't know that you don't know what happened. Just stay cool and be vague._

"Oh, right, totally. Did you find what you were looking for?"

Chloe shrugged, tilting her hand back and forth to answer, 'eh.' "Kinda," she said. "Figured out that Nathan's a psycho, not that was news to anyone. Couldn't find Rachel's file though, which was shady as fuck considering they still had mine, but it didn't exactly leave us a lot to go on."

"Hmm. That's too bad."

Chloe nodded, then finally reached over to drop her cigarette butt on the ash tray. "We'll keep you posted. Anyway, how was your Thanksgiving?"

"Uhhh," Kate had no idea. It was a disaster, like it always was, but that wasn't really what stuck out in her mind. "It was . . . bad."

"How so?"

Chloe was not part of Kate's life. She was friends with Max, who Kate was friends with, so their spheres were not entirely divorced. But, obviously, Chloe was trusting Kate with something important, even if she had no idea what it was. Despite her rational inhibition, Kate got the feeling that Chloe was somebody that she could trust. And also probably a lesbian, judging from the rainbow shirt she wore in her profile picture on Facebook. Maybe this was the closest Kate would have to somebody she could tell about her fucked up situation.

"Well. For one, my parents asked about my abstinence club."

"Oh yeah, Max mentioned that you were in that. Why's that bad?"

Kate crossed her arms over her chest. "You promise not to tell Max?"

"Uh, yeah, sure . . ." Chloe looked both concerned and also overwhelmingly curious. "Why?"

"Well, I had sex last week."

Chloe said absolutely nothing at first. Her expression changed very slowly from concern to confusion to shock to understanding.

"Yeah, that seems like that'd be a weird conversation, then. Especially if - wait. Like, your first time?"

Kate nodded.

Chloe held her hand up in the air, "Eyyy, nice one!" She didn't drop it when Kate only stared at her hand, but after a second she seemed to realize the issue. "May-be? Are you happy about that? I don't know how the whole . . . abstinence thing works."

Kate giggled a little, then raised her hand for a high five. Chloe complied quickly, hitting her hand so hard that it gave a satisfying clap, although it also hurt like hell. Kate shook her hand to restore the feeling in her palm.

"So? Blackwell kid I know? Who's the lucky g-..." Chloe froze, inspecting Kate quickly and in no way subtly. "Yeah, I'm going to need you to help me out here - your sexuality's a little hard for me to suss out here."

Kate, despite herself, was growing fond of all these girls who, whatever else they thought, could distinctly sense that Kate was not-straight. After being friends with Alyssa, Stella, and Dana for a year, it was nice to experience a sense of normality. Not that she blamed them for the heteronormativity, really, it's just that everyone took her disinterest in relationships as some sort of shy girl shell that romance would one day crack. They thought she asked not to be touched because contact was uncomfortable for her. Even Alyssa, who was in the abstinence club too, never seemed to consider that relationships and touch alike were something Kate craved, and that is precisely why she said no.

"She's a girl. And you probably know her, so I feel like I shouldn't say."

"Ugh. Fine. But you're leaving me with some real gossip blue balls here, you know."

Kate gagged at that whole comment. "Gross. But, anyway, not only did I nearly die because I had to talk about the club, but then she goes and sends me pictures of her in her underwear during dinner-"

"-nice; continue-"

"- and I'm, you know, a bit new at this, so I lose my cool a little bit, nearly trip and stab my own neck with a fork, that sort of thing. So the whole dinner basically sucked."

"Reasonable, reasonable." Chloe paused to think for a second and then added, "Is it by any chance Victoria?"

Kate can't even muster up a facial reaction for how off-guard she was for that comment. "H-how did you-"

"Oh my god - holy shit! You had-"

"Ssshhh!"

Chloe had the biggest, goofiest grin on her face. "You had sex with Victoria Chase? Nice one, dude! I tried negging her for like two years, never went anywhere."

That left Kate a little more guarded, but mostly awkward. "I mean, yeah, because that's gross and misogynistic. Have you tried, I don't know, _not_ doing that?"

"Pfft." Chloe considered it. "Yeah. I mean, no, not with Victoria, but like, in general. Why, what'd you do?"

"I-" Kate thought about what she had done, precisely. Had an emotional meltdown? Probably wasn't what did it. Just sort of grabbed her and kissed her? That actually sounds closer to sexual assault and definitely not something she was about to advise Chloe to do. What had actually, you know, worked? "I - uh." Kate's skin flushed red the more she thought about it. No, no, Chloe wasn't asking about those things, that was what probably made the sex continue, not start. Honestly, why should she even tell Chloe? What was it about this weird girl with beautiful arms that made Kate want to impress her?

"I - I dunno. I just. Kinda. Asked if she wanted to make me orgasm I guess?"

Chloe's shock looked both real and performative in its intensity. "Literally? How do you have so much game? You're like 5'5" and cute as a button."

Kate had been getting the impression throughout the conversation that Chloe was flirting with her. Now she was sure of it, and it was doing absolutely nothing to help her feel less embarrassed and overstimulated by this situation.

Kate reached up and scratched her head. The wind and walking had loosened a lot of her hair from its bun and now tufts of it were uncomfortably stuck in bobby pins, over her ears, and otherwise making nuisances of themselves. "But I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell Max about any of this. I don't want her to think less of me."

Chloe held her hands up. "Hey, I won't, but she's also not one to slut-sh-"

"It's not about that. I just . . . don't want her to know."

The look Chloe gave her was awfully suggestive, but she didn't pursue the topic further. "Well, all right, that's fine with me. I think I'm going to head inside, though, it's getting kind of cold for me. You good getting home?"

"Oh yeah I'm . . . uh . . ." Kate looked down the road that she'd come from. It wasn't familiar. She didn't normally walk this far - she must have been gone for over an hour by now.

"Want a ride?"

Kate didn't have to ask which car was hers - it stuck out like a sore thumb in this neighborhood. Still, Kate got the feeling that yes, she really did want a ride.

"Nice truck," Kate said as she looked back at Chloe. To her own total lack of surprise, she caught Chloe checking her out - she switched to a pleasant smile as soon as possible, but it was still a fraction of a second too late. "Sure, I'd like that."

Chloe grinned again, and the devil there in Kate's heart woke up. Kate could see the scene in front of her just like she had with Victoria. If she wanted to, right now, she could probably have sex with Chloe. They could go for a ride a little past where Kate was supposed to get home, where the street lights weren't so frequent and everyone just parked where they could along the side of the road. There wasn't really enough room in the truck to do the sorts of things she had Victoria had done by the looks of it, but Kate liked the look of Chloe's arms and her hands, and she was pretty sure that would be enough to get her off. She had already promised not to tell Max. All she'd have to do is suggest it.

Kate's phone buzzed, and she broke the lingering eye contact between her and Chloe to check it. About half an hour ago there was a picture of Victoria lying on a large bed, her feet in the air and her face held up by a hand. She must have been using a selfie stick, because no one could get such a clear shot of their butt from above without one. Then, just now, there was a message.

 **Victoria:** Did you literally die?

Kate laughed underneath her breath, but, honestly, she felt like she'd been kicked in the gut. What in the world was she doing? What gave her any right to take and use girls just because she wanted to? That's not who she was. And, more importantly, she knew that's not who she wanted to be. Orgasms and control were nice, but maybe they weren't worth giving up all of her integrity.

"C'mon, I'll take you home."

 **Kate:** no, sorry, just got busy  
 **Kate:** Maybe once we get back I could see more of that in person.

"Mmhmm, yeah. Thanks, Chloe."

 **Victoria:** Maybe so.

* * *

Dear Katie,

Thanksgiving went fine. Aunt Martha was, as expected, unpleasant. Katrina dropped out of robotics (I blame Mom).

Kate paused there. How much should she explain? Everything was getting so complicated, and as much as she wanted to spite Katie sometimes, she very well might be the one in charge of Kate's body come the morning. At the very least, they should talk about how Katie got the key to Principal Wells's office. She should ask about what Max and Chloe were up to, and give Katie a heads-up that Chloe seemed to be into her. And she should probably explain what was happening with Victoria before things got any weirder.

It's been a long day. I think I'm going to just go to sleep. Try to get some homework done this weekend, and make sure you're nice to Katrina and Lynn. I don't know how you feel about kids but I love those two a lot. I hope you have a good day,

Kate

Kate deleted all of her messages from Victoria before going to bed.


	5. I'm so sorry (Why didn't You tell Me?)

Kate felt warm and safe. She hadn't realized how long it had been, how much she'd been craving that feeling until she felt it again.

She came to consciousness slowly. Her hair was in her face, blocking the vision she was already having trouble focusing through her urge to just drop back asleep. The movement made her realize there was pressure around her abdomen. She began to panic when she realized it was an arm wrapped around her, that the heat on her skin was coming from someone behind her. She wasn't in her room. She didn't know where she was.

Somehow it came as a relief when she realized she was nearly naked, when she recognized the laptop on the desk next to her as Victoria's. It was just Victoria's room. That was just Victoria's arm. She was safe. As safe as you can be, waking up to realize you've had sex with someone, only able to guess at how it had happened.

Her phone was tucked underneath her pillow, her charge cable extending beside Victoria's bed. Apparently, this hadn't been so spontaneous as last time. Kate had simply stayed the night.

Somehow, that made her feel less at ease.

As she grabbed her phone, she noticed that she was wearing a bracelet - the homemade kind made of soft fiber around thick rubber bands. It was bright blue and kind of tacky, but cute. She'd never seen it before. Apparently Katie was crafty, too, or a friend had given it to her. Kate prayed that it wasn't a friend. She'd feel awful for 'forgetting.'

As Kate started to look through her messages, Victoria stirred, groaning in her half-sleep. After a second, her thumb started to stroke along Kate's sternum, and she kissed the top of Kate's spine gently. Kate sat paralyzed, hoping Victoria wasn't really awake, that they wouldn't have to talk, trying not to think about why Victoria's gentleness frightened her. After a moment, Victoria seemed to settle down, and lay still again.

There wasn't a lot going on in her messages - it didn't look like Katie was buying drugs anymore. Or, if she was, she was covering her tracks, deleting messages just like Kate had started doing. Maybe that was how they could deal with each other. Don't get involved in each other's personal lives anymore.

Well, if that's what either of them had intended, Victoria was a testament to why that wouldn't work.

Kate checked her calendar, and found that she had something scheduled for today. A tea date with Max, apparently, at 11am. It was 7:30am, so she had plenty of time. If she could just get out from under Victoria's arm, she could go lie awake in her bed, cold and alone, and that is what she intended to do.

It didn't take much finesse - once Kate tried to scoot out from under her, Victoria drew her arm back, then rolled over, adjusting the covers without ever opening her eyes. Kate figured she must still be asleep, but once she had put her clothes on and went for the door, Victoria said groggily, "See ya."

"Yeah, see you later."

Kate closed the door as gently as she could behind herself, letting out a sigh of relief.

It was a Saturday, and even at this hour, no one else was up and out of their rooms yet. Kate crept back to her room, just as careful to close her door silently as she had been with Victoria's.

Her desk was not as she had left it. Her laptop had been cleared off to make way for an unfamiliar notebook and folder. What has Katie been up to?

The notebook was small and bound, some type of cheap journal. Unlabeled and uninteresting. But the folder caught Kate's eye quickly because of its label: **Rachel Amber**.

Kate looked over her shoulder, the feeling that she was being watched suddenly palpable. There was no one but Alice, however, so Kate turned back to the folder, just staring at it in anticipation.

Chloe had said Rachel's student file had been missing when she and Max broke in. Why did Katie now have it? Had she had it the whole time? Had somebody given it to her, or had Katie been keeping yet another vital secret from Kate?

Kate sat down and put her hands on the file, taking a deep breath before opening it. It was thicker than she had anticipated, but then again, she couldn't say she'd ever gone through someone's student file before.

There was an immediate stack of small papers. Paper clips were attached to the top and bottom but held nothing - the file had been organized once, but not since Katie had gotten her hands on it. Kate spread them out so she could look at them all at once.

A student information sheet, along with an evaluation by the principle. Kate pulled a corner and discovered that the evaluations went back a few years. The most recent one from last year had several hand-written notes on it, indicating that there should be notes attached. The first said to see a complaint summary by the Head of Security, David Madsen. The second was a little hard to make out, but she could see 'Lt.' clearly. A police report, maybe?

 _Rachel? What were you up to?_

It occurred to Kate, briefly, what a huge violation of privacy this was. She didn't know what the consequences for stealing a student file were, but she imagined they were severe. But all she was doing was reading it, right? Katie managed to hide it from Kate, ergo it could be hidden. No one else needed to read it. Besides, she had already read it, hadn't she? Technically?

Kate found the police 'report' fast enough - an email from Lt. Rossi.

Principal Wells.

This is Lt. Chris Rossi.

We wanted to let you know that Rachel Amber's investigation has officially been closed on our end. We always hope for that one magic clue but once again Arcadia Bay covers up another secret. We always keep our eyes and ears open, but that's all we can do from now.

Lt. Chris Rossi.

Arcadia Bay P.D.

 _What the hell? There was an investigation?_ Why hadn't Kate known about an official investigation? Why hadn't officers come to the school and interviewed students? Why hadn't this been in the paper?

The note about David Madsen was next.

David Madsen and Nathan Prescott have both come to my office to warn me that Rachel has been a 'drug mule' (in Mr. Madsen's talk radio terminology) acting as a front for another local dealer. Considering Rachel's exemplary status, I told David that I would need more concrete proof and he promised he had more to show.

So Rachel was dealing? Or, at least, Mr. Madsen and Nathan seemed to think so. Could she have gotten caught up in something serious? Did she piss off some dealer and end up in a ditch somewhere in the woods? It was such a grotesque thought that Kate shut her eyes, trying to think of anything else.

Kate closed the file, hoping to shut the door on those thoughts for a while. She dragged the journal in front of her and flipped the first few pages. Unfortunately, she quickly recognized it as an account book - with dog breed names where people's names should be. It was a coded ledger. Time, date, location, and content of exchange was marked normally, but it looked like people's names were substituted for dogs.

"Fuck!" Kate muttered. The content was weed, cocaine, ecstasy and the like in exchange for cash. It was a drug dealer's ledger.

 _Where the fuck did I get this? Is this what Mr. Madsen meant when he promised there was 'more to show?'_

After another moment of looking through the lines, Kate realized the dates were recent - the entries for this ledger started barely a month ago. What's more, some of the exchanges were enormous, thousands of dollars of something at a time, and in out-of-the-way locations, like the beach or a gas station. Rachel didn't have a car. This wasn't Rachel's logbook - it was someone dealing to dealers.

 _But that means Rachel probably was dealing for someone else, then._ Rachel had, but now someone else was. Was it still someone from the school?

Kate pulled out her phone and went back to her messages with Stella, scrolling up until she found the characteristic split in hers and Katie's typing style. Katie had mentioned something other than Adderall when she was buying. Benzos? A quick google search and Kate learned that 'benzos' referred to Benzodiazepine, a muscle relaxant and anticonvulsant. Tranquilizers. Something to pick you up, and something to bring you back down. How nice. How symmetrical.

Kate grabbed a pencil, trailing down the 'content' column, flipping between pages. She marked Adderall and Benzodiazepine, or its colloquial counterparts (she found those online, too), and quickly picked out the pattern. _Stella is dachshund._

Kate sat back in her chair, letting out an unsteady breath. She was learning so much, as long as she took her best guess as the truth. Rachel had been dealing for someone else. Now Stella was dealing on behalf of (most likely) the same person. And, if Kate remembered correctly, Nathan was supposedly dealing, too. There were too many other names, and a few of the others also made large purchases like Stella did. Plus, Nathan had a car. She didn't feel confident she could narrow it down any further.

So, that left one big question. _How did Katie get these?_ And maybe more importantly, why? Why was Katie so interested in Rachel Amber, and why was she taking such risks to learn about her? What good was this, any of this?

Now that Kate was sitting back, she noticed a gap in the ledger. It looked like some papers had been stuffed between the pages.

Kate flipped to the center of the journal and pawed through the contents. Some hand-written letters. And some photos . . . of Rachel. Sexy photos of Rachel Amber. Kate swallowed nervously, but couldn't bring herself to look away immediately. In the first one, Rachel's face was covered by her hair, blurred in the middle of some dance. She seemed to shine despite the dingy interior of . . . what? Where was she? An RV?

The itch to know more returned. Kate flipped the photo over and found it dated: **21/5/12**. A little less than a year before she went missing. But long enough ago that it didn't tell Kate anything. At least, nothing but what the photo itself told her (and Kate didn't want to think about what that told her). She pushed the photograph away, afraid of recreating the same gaze that took the picture in the first place.

The letters were from Rachel, too - each was signed off 'RA'. They were addressed to the same person - 'Frankie B.' and 'Frank'. Unfortunately, they just confirmed exactly what Kate had wanted to get away from. Rachel had been dating dating this drug dealer, Frank. It looked like they broke up a while ago, but there was just too much here that yelled 'romantic relationship.'

May, 2012. Rachel had still been a minor. And she dealt drugs for her boyfriend. Now Rachel was gone, and Stella was dealing for the same guy. Kate swallowed again, this time trying to get rid of her nausea. Kate couldn't stop repeating it in her mind, over and over: _What if Rachel is dead? What if Frank killed her? What if Rachel is dead?_ And what if Stella was with the same man? Kate knew money had been tight for Stella, had been tight for years. She wouldn't . . .

Kate read one of the letters again, her thumb tracing the edge of the sheet, touching the words as she tried to hear them.

Frank,

That was not cool what you did. And don't blame the drugs, you actually scared me and I thought you'd never chill. I've never seen you act that way and the next time will be the last. I'm a leo and we don't look back. I care about you, us, so maybe we need to break our routine.

\- xo RA -

"Rachel . . . did he hurt you?" Kate was tearing up. The thoughts were coming and now she couldn't keep them down. "Please, Rachel, be okay. Tell me you just ran away."

When a tear dropped down onto the page, Kate realized Katie had never removed her eye makeup. "Fuck, fuck." She didn't want to stain these letters. She just needed to take a shower, get ready, and go see Max. Maybe she'd know more.

* * *

"How've you been?"

It took Kate a while to realize Max had asked her a question - she'd been staring at the cafe window from their table outside, but she was on a date. It would be rude to ignore Max to think about someone who wasn't even around instead.

"Um. Fine, I guess. Finals are going to crush me mercilessly, though."

"Yeah, same here." Max always cupped her teacup with both hands, as if the high sixties were a chilly day for December. "I'm like, definitely going to fail Lit. I think _The October Country_ is the only book I've read this year, and I'm not great with BSing essays. Or writing them."

Kate expected Max to be more upset, but she just shrugged and took a sip of her tea. Sometime since they'd first become friends, Max had stopped being so anxious about school. Kate wanted to believe that was a good thing, but from all the times she'd been asked to stay behind in Lit, Music, and Photography, Max was probably close to flunking. Come January, Kate might be short a friend at school.

"What've you been up to?" Kate asked. It was too easy to slip into uncomfortable silence with Max.

"Uh, I dunno? I guess Chloe and I hang out a lot, and I've been kind of binging Netflix. I haven't been very productive, I guess," Max said, a sad smile on her face by the end.

Max really was going to flunk. Did she even care? Kate felt like she was sitting across from a very different person than she had met back in August. Then again, so was Max.

"You know, we could study together. I could keep you on task."

Max snorted. "Isn't that what our tea dates are for?"

Oh, right. That is what they had been for originally, wasn't it? Except they had never once studied - by the third date, Kate had stopped bringing her notebooks.

Kate smiled. "I guess you're right. I didn't even bring homework." That was a lie, if you included the work she'd been doing with Rachel's file and Frank's ledger, as those were sitting in her backpack. "But later, we could. I don't want you to . . ." Kate trailed off, realizing how rude it would be to finish the thought.

"Drop out?" Max shrugged, so casually it made Kate nervous. "Maybe it'd be better if I did."

Shocked, Kate replied, "M-Max, no way. You belong here, you-"

Max shook her head, "No, ignore me, I'm just being dramatic."

There was an uncomfortable silence while they both drank their tea.

"Actually," Max finally started, then immediately grew quiet again. After a few seconds, she said, "Actually, I think I need to tell you something."

Much more nervous, now. "What is it?"

Max looked over her shoulder, as if worried they were being watched. Kate hadn't been able to shake that same feeling for hours, but she knew looking wasn't going to do her any good. There was no one there.

Max looked back at Kate, saying nothing for a spell. She seemed to be scripting herself, so Kate just waited, finishing off her tea.

"Chloe and I broke into Nathan's room Thursday. And we found some stuff that really . . . spooked me. I don't think he's well. Like, seriously fucked up."

Kate tapped her fingers on her tea, unsure if Max realized how much her phrasing made Kate anxious. Kate tucked her hair behind her ear and said, "What did you find?"

To Kate's surprise, Max leaned out of her chair, fumbling around in her bag. Had she _stolen_ stuff from his room? Was Max the one stealing stuff and giving it to Kate? _Wait, no, that's stupid. She couldn't find Rachel's file._

Max dropped an old flip phone on the table, followed by a white envelope that looked pretty full.

"Are you okay with needles?" Max asked.

"Yeah, I guess?" Kate wasn't sure what to expect, but she was not liking where this was going.

Max picked up the envelope and drew out a picture, flipping it over and placing it in front of Kate (who just pushed her dishes aside for space). It was a picture of a pale, white arm, which at first looked severed until Kate realized that the person's shirt was black, as was the background. The intense contrast was the only way Kate even noticed the thin line extending from just below their elbow. When Max placed the next photo over that one, Kate figured out what was going on from the band wrapped around the person's elbow. These were pictures of people shooting up, most likely heroin.

And then there was another photo. And another. Each featured a pale arm with little muscular definition, with the person's face cropped out. The arms were clearly different picture to picture - some had tattoos, others acrylic nails, some appeared to be men, and others women - but the image was the same. Finally, Kate had a stack of seven photos in front of her, all faceless, all white, all with a syringe in view, each with a black and white filter.

Kate just stared for moment. Finally, she roused herself, wet her lips, and asked quietly, "These are Nathan's?"

Max had reclined in her chair, one arm wrapped around herself protectively. She nodded.

"Why . . . why? Why take pictures like this? No one's that into drugs, are they? This is obsessed."

Max nodded again, leaning forward and picking up the phone. "I think Nathan is, though. We found this phone in Nathan's room, and he - well, look."

It was a simple text conversation, but it told a sad story. It was Nathan arranging drug deals with someone, at least once a week, going back several months.

"Nathan's buying weed and coke, which, like, he's rich, that's normal. But he's also buying Oxycodone, and heroin, and GHB. Those aren't . . . party drugs."

Kate couldn't stop looking at the photos. Finally, she just gathered them up and flipped them over, worried that someone else might see them, and more importantly, see her looking at them.

"So, what? Nathan's an addict. That's what happens when you're rich and bored and there are no consequences to your actions." Why was Kate getting frustrated? Max was showing concern for a kid in trouble. Nathan deserved her sympathy if this is where his life was headed.

"I-I guess. It's just." Max paused again to script herself, rubbing her arm for comfort. "When Chloe and I broke into Wells's office and looked up Nathan's file, there were complaints that he was acting psychotic in class. And there were these fucked up drawings that just . . . they really scared me. And Chloe too. And, when we were in his room, I found meds Nathan was taking. Antipsychotics. I."

Kate wasn't sure where this was leading, but she just tilted her head curiously. What more was there?

"I think Nathan is self-medicating because he's psychotic. Like, sometimes, he - he doesn't seem to know what is going on." She paused, then added, "One time, he started talking to me, and he was being really nice for once. And then he called me Rachel, and when I said I wasn't her, he sort of . . . flipped out. It really scared me. But I think he was scared."

Kate didn't want to feel bad for someone who made her so viscerally uncomfortable, but she did. Whatever else he was, he was a kid.

Suddenly, she remembered something from Rachel's file. Nathan and Mr. Madsen had _both_ reported Rachel for being a 'drug mule.' Nathan had tried to get Rachel in trouble, probably expelled. And there were only two explanations that made sense to her for why he would do that: first, he dealt drugs and he didn't want competition. Second, he was sabotaging his own dealer so he couldn't buy drugs anymore. But it looks like he'd found another way.

"Can you open Nathan's phone again?"

"Uh . . . yeah. Why?"

"I want to check something."

"Okay."

While Max input the password, Kate opened her bag and pulled out Frank's ledger. When Max handed her the phone, she asked, "What's that?"

Kate scrolled up to about a month ago in the conversation with Nathan's dealer. "It's, uh, a ledger. Like, a record of deals by a drug dealer named Frank.

November 3, 10:06pm read Nathan's texts. Kate found November 3 in the ledger.

"Wait, Frank Bowers? Kate, why do you have that? How do you have it?"

Kate shook her head. "You don't want to know that, Max." _And it's not like I could tell you._ "But yeah, Frank . . . Bowers."

Max sat forward in her chair, poised as if to jump over the table. Kate ignored her, setting the phone on the ledger page while she compared. There were two deals around 11:00pm that night, and both of them included GHB, so Kate couldn't say for sure that one of them was Nathan. But that encouraged her to check the next date.

"Kate, are you safe? Frank's a scary dude."

Max sounded so sincere, Kate just had to laugh. She glanced up at Max, who looked shocked at Kate's reaction. Kate didn't know how to explain, so she just flipped to the middle of the ledger.

"He's a pedophile, you mean. I know. I haven't . . ." Kate nearly said, 'slept with him', but it occurred to her that she had no idea how Katie got the ledger. This was something Frank probably kept safe and hidden, or on his person. Both left Kate keenly aware of her body in ways she didn't like.

Kate wanted to vomit as she slid the picture of Rachel in her underwear over to Max.

Max stared at the photo for several seconds, stunned into silence. Finally, she asked, "Is this Rachel?"

"Yo, Max." The voice came from behind Kate, and she nearly jumped out of her seat. When she looked behind her, though, she just found Chloe leaning on the railing that separated the cafe patio from the sidewalk. "Hey, Kate."

"Hey you," Kate greeted, trying to match Chloe's good-natured tone.

It didn't seem to work, because Chloe immediately looked worried. "What's up, you two? Max, you okay?" Chloe hopped over the railing. Max seemed panicked, glancing between Rachel's photo and Chloe. That caught Chloe's attention real quick.

"Chloe, I-"

"Is that . . . Rachel?"

Kate and Max both sat silently, anxiety keeping them paralyzed as Chloe reached for the photo. She picked it up and inspected it closely for a second.

"What . . . the fuck . . ." she glanced over the photo at Max, who was too busy staring straight at Kate, "is this?"

Kate brushed her hair back nervously, trying to think of a clear explanation that would work with Chloe. "I found-"

Chloe suddenly interjected, veering into outright anger, "Is that - is that Rachel's bracelet? What the fuck is going on?!"

Chloe was starting to yell, and Kate could feel the blood drain from her face. She couldn't talk when people yelled at her. But she had to talk. She had to explain.

Chloe continued to yell, "Why the fuck are you wearing Rachel's bracelet? Where did you get that?"

The realization hit Kate like a truck. She felt like she could barely breath. "Frank," she said, and Chloe shut up immediately.

Chloe asked, "What?" so quietly, Kate wasn't sure she meant to say it.

"I stole it from Frank. Along with his ledger," Kate said, shoving it over to the edge of the table so Chloe could look if she wanted to. It was opened to Rachel's photos and letters.

Chloe stared at the photo for a long moment, then down at the ledger. She picked one up, and read it. And then the next. She looked like she wanted to scream.

Kate was somewhere else, adrift in thoughts so loud they drowned out everything else. The answer pulsed through Kate's brain, a fresh migraine. She could feel the surface of her body like you only can when you're in pain, trapped in something that wasn't hers.

 _Katie, why didn't you tell me you were Rachel Amber?_

* * *

The rest of the tea date went about as well as you could expect. Chloe read and re-read the letters until it was clear she was going to sob, then turned and left, leaving Kate and Max alone with a pile of clues and answers they didn't want. Max texted Chloe to make sure she was okay, that she wasn't doing anything drastic (one text was particularly worrisome, in which Chloe implied she was going to murder Frank, but she said she didn't mean it). Kate apologized over and over for bringing the ledger, for showing Max, for showing Chloe. Max wouldn't have it. She thanked Kate and she absolutely didn't mean it. Kate finished looking through the ledger and confirmed that Nathan was, in fact, buying from Frank, and buying a lot. He was the dealer known as Rott. What did it even matter? By the time Kate got home, she had convinced herself that Nathan was just another kid that Frank had used. Just like Rachel. Just like . . . her? Maybe?

Max promised to follow up with Kate, but she took another bus immediately after getting dropped off at Blackwell to go to Chloe's house and wait for her.

* * *

Dear Katie,

Or should I even call you that? I know who you are. I know you're Rachel. And I know you figured that out, too.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you're dead, and we don't even know what happened to you. I know that means nothing. But I'm sorry, at least, that I didn't know. I should have been helping you.

I put the clues you left behind together. Your file. Frank's ledger and letters and everything. I'm worried Frank may have hurt you - I don't know what else could have happened. I just know that you disappeared, and now, somehow, you are a part of me.

I never wanted to believe you were dead. Not only 'you' Rachel Amber, but 'you' Katie. I wanted to believe you were some evil spirit sent to tempt me. Stupid, huh? I thought a lot of stupid things about you, and I'm sorry. I always thought the people who left mean notes about you in the bathroom were just gross people, but it turns out I'm just like them, huh? But I get it now, I think. You were trying to put familiar parts of your life back together. I never knew you, like really knew you, and I missed all these things I didn't want to see about someone I looked up to - the drugs and stuff. I just always thought you were just smarter than me. I was stupid when you were alive, too.

It looks like none of us knew you, not really. And I'm not mad. Chloe found your letters and pictures to Frank, and she freaked out. You are why I've been dreaming about her, aren't you? She was your best friend (at least). You miss her. She's not doing OK right now, but Max says she'll calm down sooner or later. They've been trying to hard to find you. She's just . . . upset. She doesn't know that you're dead, and I didn't know how to tell her. It's not like she would believe me if I told her.

Rachel, I want to help you. You don't have to do this alone anymore. I'm with you, okay? I can't give you your life back, but for now, we're sharing mine. I'm done fighting you for my body. Let's do this together. I'll find you. I'll make sure Frank sees justice, if that's what has to happen.

I've missed you, Rachel. I'm so sorry for what happened to you, but I'm glad you're not gone, not totally. I know we were never friends, but I guess we're soul-mates (har har - yes, I did take several minutes coming up with that one), and we're stuck with each other. It's not fair. But it's something.

Tell me what you need to make this work.

Love,

Kate

P.S. We have to talk about Victoria. Not now, but soon.


	6. Special! my god is this how You sext?

_This chapter is of absolutely no relevance._

* * *

Many times, when Kate woke up to find a day missing, her morning would begin with a review of her recent messages. At first it had just been for a sense of security, to know what Katie had inevitably left out of her letter (or, most recently, her video-letter). Now, Kate wasn't so concerned about what might have happened so much as looking inconsistent between conversations. Who knew how long she and Rachel would be sharing this body? For now, it was best to draw as little attention to their differences as possible.

The most recent messages were all texts with Victoria, but just above them were nudes, and above those a long series of steamy photos back and forth. From both the time tags and the backgrounds, it looked like they'd been swapping photos almost all day, which was wild - trying to look sexy once must be so hard, how do you keep doing it whenever you get the chance?

The very last image was a video Rachel had apparently sent that Kate dared not click on. Following it, the texts read:

 **Victoria:** you win

 **Victoria:** Say, do you want to come over and sit on my face?

To Kate's surprise, there was no reply. Had Rachel seriously just not responded? Or just fallen asleep? How in the world could anyone sleep after that?

Kate checked her clock. 6:58. She would be late to her shower, but she could wouldn't miss breakfast or anything. She snatched the lube and her new vibrator from her desk, sticking them under her covers, hoping beyond hope they'd warm up. Then she opened her phone back up and started from the beginning - a fairly innocent, if strange selfie that caught Victoria's mouth and neck but not the rest of her face. Kate had discovered she liked dark lipstick. Or, rather, Victoria had discovered it for her.

Kate closed her eyes, drawing a picture in her mind starting with Victoria's lips. The sensation of those lips on her neck. Victoria's fingers gently tracing the notches of her spine. It never took much for her breath to catch, much to Victoria's glee. She laughed quietly whenever she heard it. Kate imagined that laugh along with her lips on Kate's collarbone.

It took a while for the pictures to ramp up - Kate mostly ignored the ones of herself, watching Victoria slowly strip over the course of hours, creating little stories for each one. The lube didn't really warm up, much to her annoyance, but she forgot that detail a few seconds after turning the vibrator on.

Near the end, Kate found it much harder to ignore the pictures of herself - not only because she was increasingly desperate for storytelling material, but because Rachel knew how to show off her body in ways she hadn't figured out yet. How do you even make boobs look good in a selfie? How do you make your hand just lying on your navel sexy? She was so talented. It was a shame she and Victoria hadn't gotten along when she was alive, Kate would have liked to-

Kate shook her head. Even though she'd known who Katie was for a while now, she didn't usually picture Rachel when she thought about her. But now, even as she tried to dismiss it, she couldn't get the thought of Rachel in her place out of her head - holding Victoria by the hair against her chest, dark lipstick stains on her neck and collar. What did she sound like with Victoria's fingers inside-

Kate shuddered, whimpering. This was new. Rachel had never . . . featured in the scenes she made up before. But now she was at the end of the photo chain, and she still hadn't finished.

All that was left was the video Katie had sent.

Kate hesitated for a moment, doubt replacing the pretty pictures in her head. But what did it matter, really? It was her body, and she was just getting off. She clicked the video, and the player opened.

The video was almost entirely black, and at first Kate thought it was just a blank video to mess with Victoria. But then she heard the hum of her vibrator, distorted and weak though it was, and realized what this was. After about twenty seconds, when she heard a sharp intake of breath, she felt a tingle run down her spine in anticipation. How long was this video? Six minutes? God. Kate skipped ahead a minute.

The breathing was audible all the time now, and Kate could actually make out the picture a little - at least enough to see her eyes and outline. She bit her lip, breathing deep to slow down.

 _"Oh . . . God, Victoria."_

It wasn't even her name, why did it make her brain short circuit?

 _"Please . . . touch me please."_

Is that what she sounded like? _Could_ she sound like that? _Holy shit._ Kate held her vibrator still for a second, struggling to hold on. She wasn't even halfway through the video yet. She wasn't going to finish until Rachel did. She tapped ahead, one minute from the end of the video.

The breathing was more ragged now, and it sounded louder too, although maybe that was just from the fact that the phone seemed to have moved. Kate let her hand move again, her breathing rapidly deteriorating into the same state as herself in the video.

 _"Oh . . . God. Fuck."_

Rachel's breath cut off for a moment, so all that could be heard was the distant hum of the vibrator. When the picture began to shake, at first Kate didn't realize what was happening until she could hear it. Rachel's breath descended into whimpering as she fucked herself faster than Kate had ever tried, or got the chance to try. All she could do was clap a hand over her mouth as she came along with the video.

After another twenty seconds, Rachel suddenly started laughing, and then the video cut.

Kate lifted her mouth from her hand and ran a hand through her hair, grossed out by how it stuck to her sweaty forehead.

 _What the fuck was that?_ She wondered, full well knowing exactly what that was.

* * *

A few minutes later:

 **Kate:** thanks for the vibrator ;)

Kate was dressed and in the bathroom before she got a response, but she was pleased to find a photo message, followed by the preview message:

 **Victoria:** thanks for literally destroying me, asshole

What? What in the world had Rachel done? Kate swiped the message to see what she could have missed.

She bit her lip when she found a picture of Victoria's bare chest covered in dark hickeys, on either side of her collar, down between her breasts, a few spots over her stomach. She snorted as she typed her response.

 **Kate:** Any time :)


	7. i really fucked up, didn't I?

In the past few weeks, Kate and Rachel had more and more to share with each other when they switched, so they'd started recording videos instead of trying to type out descriptions of everything. Playing the files they kept these messages in would look absolutely fucking schizophrenic to an outside observer, but fortunately nobody ever really showed up unexpectedly anymore. Ever since she got herself involved with theft of school property and an investigation into a local drug ring, she'd become more of an appointments-only sort of person. Luckily Rachel was also down for not getting expelled, and Victoria was down for asking for permission for things.

 _"Heyyy Kate. It's been kind of a rough week so I'm sorry if this sounds a little venty. Let me just like, hit the highlights - I've got a post-it, and, yeah - and then I'll explain. So this past week, big events: the gift exchange happened, which was cool. Nathan was hospitalized, which really fucking sucks, actually, but - later. I returned Frank's ledger along with Chloe so he wouldn't, like, I don't know, kill us in our sleep or whatever, but, yeah. Also, there was a party last night, which isn't so much news at this point except with some stuff with Chloe, but I'll get to that._

 _Okay, so, gift exchange, easy one. I noticed you traded away Max for Dana, which I was super confused about, and then I remembered that I'm a relentless flirt and you probably saved yourself from me, so like, smart. Anyway, so I got every scarves, although Dana insisted that she was Slytherpuff, not Hufflepuff, but was happy anyway because Hufflepuff colors are cute. Taylor and Courtney had really polarized reactions to the Slytherin scarves, like Courtney loved it, but I think Taylor thought I was insulting her a little. Which I guess I kind of was, seeing as I specifically chose it because she doesn't seem interested in wit, bravery, or inclusion, but like, bleh, it's whatever. It's just Taylor. Alyssa was really into being a Ravenclaw, duh. Max had me guessing until the last second but I ended up going Gryffindor what with what a badass she's been,"_ Rachel leaned forward to whisper, _"What with my murder investigation and all._

 _Anyway, you had Dana's gift already sorted out, so I gave her your comic - fucking neat idea making her a warrior princess, by the way - and I also cooked her some brownies, and she was stoked. I would give this event a solid 7/10. There's a penalty because Max outed you on accident and Juliet gave us both some weird looks and I got_ _ **this**_ _close to just making out with Max to make her uncomfortable but, yeah, everything else was pretty chill. I'm glad Victoria wasn't there though, I would_ _ **not**_ _know how to handle Dana, Max, Vic, and Vic's friends all at the same time, yikes._

 _Okay, so, sorry to bury the serious Nathan stuff, I just wanted to get talking before going straight into the things that suck, but yeah. So Nathan kinda . . . OD'd yesterday, which is at least two days ago for you. His dad found him and called an ambulance and he's okay now. Victoria is there right now, but she's seemed pretty shaken up since she found out. I know I've been a little petty about those two before but like, I'm really worried about them both, so if you could please text Victoria and check in, that would be really good._

 _Um. As for the thing with Frank. I know you were pretty freaked when he figured out who took the ledger, and I was too. Chloe was really convinced for a few days that he had kidnapped me or killed me, but she didn't want to turn him in - and, I don't know, I had this gut feeling that he didn't do it. Maybe that was just wishful thinking on my part, but . . ._

 _Anyway, we came up with kind of a stupidly risky approach - Chloe texted him that she had the ledger and knew about him and Rachel, and pretended I didn't have anything to do with it. Anyway, she asked him if he helped me run away, and he didn't reply. At first, at least. Then he cornered us all in the junkyard when we were hanging out, and he got like, really scary. He had a knife and I . . . I thought he really did it, I thought he killed me. And then Chloe pulled a gun on him, which kind of made everything worse, and I . . ."_ Rachel dabbed at her eyes for a second, then continued, _"I guess I just started like, sobbing? Like, real cool under pressure, right? But I - I remembered this time when I fought this drug dealer in that same junk yard, and I got stabbed, and Frank and Chloe both - they like, totally rescued me, and I was just so pissed it had come to this, right? And it kind of freaked everyone out._

 _So I just kind of begged them to stop. I kinda . . . broke character for a second, I think. I said I just wanted to know how 'she' died. And Chloe was all like, 'hey, we don't know that' and I was kind of an asshole like 'stop fucking kidding yourself' or something . . . and. I don't know, after a minute, Frank chilled out, and he said if we gave the ledger back he'd tell us everything he knew, which wasn't much, honestly. We hooked up. We did drugs. We dated. We did more drugs. We broke up. I cut him out. It felt true. I believe him. Chloe looked absolutely sick the whole time - I don't know if it was because of the Frank thing or the thing I said about me being dead, and she hasn't really talked to me much since. I think . . . I think she's just coming to grips with the fact that I'm not coming back - or, not quite._

 _I still don't know how I died, Kate, and I'm sorry I can't tell you that. Anything Chloe can tell me about before I went missing, I just . . . I don't remember any of it._

 _Um . . . so, last night I wasn't doing my best, so I kind of went out to a party. Victoria was supposed to be there and, uh, we were gonna hook up, but - as I didn't know yet - she was dealing with Nathan nearly dying, so she didn't show. Anyway, it was a pretty fun time - people have stopped being so weird about me showing up - and it was the first time I'd seen Chloe since the stuff with Frank. We both got pretty smashed, and we ended up making out and . . . uh. I don't know. I got super fucking pissed, I guess. Like, when I took a moment to think about Chloe kissing me right then, it occurred to me just how many layers of fucked up that was. So I was like, "I'm not Rachel," and sort of pushed her away (I don't miss the irony here, b-t-w), and then she was like, "No Shit" but like, she managed to make it sound so_ _ **mean**_ _and then she just took off. I got really scared because she was drunk and pissed off, but she texted me that she got home safe and told me to fuck off, so that was . . . about as well as that could have gone, I guess._

 _Yeah, uh, hella sorry about kissing Chloe. Like my bad. The party was a good time other than that, though! I think. Honestly I got drunk pretty fast and spent the whole later half texting Victoria so I didn't catch much, but it was a nice change of pace after finals._

 _Uh . . . yeah. I guess that's pretty much it. It's been, uh, wild I guess, but I think things are cooling off._

 _I hope your Winter break is good!"_ She blew a kiss at the screen and smiled, obviously forced. _"I'll see you later, okay? Byeee."_

Kate did her best to process all of that, but pretty much gave up for now - her life was a little too crazy for her to deal with. There was one thing that caught her attention as urgent, though, so she just shut her brain off to everything else, letting the episode of _The New Romantics_ Rachel had apparently been watching before they switched keep rolling for some white noise.

Luckily, it didn't look like Rachel had already been talking to Max about this, so the switch was less obvious.

 **Kate:** Hey there Max. You heard about Nathan's hospitalization, right? I guess you were right about what's going on with him. He's not well.

On the other hand, there were dozens of messages between Rachel and Victoria about Nathan, so it took Kate a little bit to think about how to continue.

 **Victoria:** idk, I've been thinking about staying in AB.  
I don't want to leave Nathan with his asshole dad.  
 **Victoria:** maybe I should just take him up to Seattle with me, let him get away from all the bullshit here.

 **Kate:** that sounds good  
 **Kate:** both ideas i mean  
 **Kate:** nates been doing bad for a while hasn't he? his dad is probably part of it

 **Victoria:** yeah, no, you're right. His dad is a bastard.  
 **Victoria:** I just don't know how my parents would respond to me bringing him with me.  
 **Victoria:** they don't like it when I have depressed friends. They think it's bad for me.

Eventually, Kate it was probably better to just keep talking like Rachel - Victoria seemed to respond better to that, anyway.

 **Kate:** Well that's bullshit.  
 **Kate:** But I guess that still might make things weird, yeah.  
 **Kate:** I think Nathan's just lucky to have you as a friend right now. The school and his family might be willing to cover for him, but they don't seem very interested in helping him.

 **Victoria:** you're fucking right about that.  
 **Victoria:** people will protect Nathan to cover their own asses but if you ask them to give a shit it's like slapped their mother  
 **Victoria:** I fucking hate this school.

Max finally texted back.

 **Max:** Yeah, you told me so. That really sucks. I just wish I'd told someone about the stuff I found earlier, you know? Maybe he could get into rehab or something.  
 **Max:** Then again, if I told someone, I feel like they'd think I was snitching. Or I'd get in trouble or something.  
 **Max:** at least he's okay =\

 **Kate:** I think you did the best out of a really confusing and scary situation, Max. Don't beat yourself up. And yeah, he's going to be okay. Victoria's keeping an eye on him. **Max:** I haven't actually seen Victoria? but that makes sense. I guess that's a good thing.  
 **Max:** I guess there's a time when it's good to have a territorial mega-bitch on your team.

 **Kate:** I guess so.

Kate gave up on that conversation as she recalled she couldn't really talk about how things were going with Victoria, given that Max had no idea she and Victoria talked so regularly. At least she wasn't blaming herself too much.

She returned to her conversation with Victoria.

 **Victoria:** are you staying at Blackwell over break?

 **Kate:** I'm just here for a few more days. Christmas isn't really a family thing I can miss.  
 **Kate:** I'll just be in Tillamook if you want to see me, though.

 **Victoria:** wow  
 **Victoria:** I don't think you've ever extended an invitation like that without a winky-face.  
 **Victoria:** what are we now, girlfriends? visit each other's actual homes?

 **Kate:** aaaaaa, I'm sorry? I just thought you might want some company. I know it's not like that.

 **Victoria:** yeah no, it's fine.  
 **Victoria:** I'll probably go to Seattle anyhow though, remind my parents I'm their daughter and not just a gremlin draining their money a hundred miles away at art school.  
 **Victoria:** it's not like we'll really have to spend much time with them, anyway. They're always busy on holidays.

 **Kate:** That's good, I think.

Max finally texted again.

 **Max:** Hey, you want to get some dinner? I'm starved.

 **Kate:** Yeah, sure. Where?

 **Max:** Two Whales if that's cool. I wanna talk to Joyce.

 **Kate:** For sure. I'll come get you in like, 10 minutes and we can go?

 **Max:** rad ^^

* * *

The Two Whales diner is a sad place to eat if you're a vegan, as they're one of those places that is convinced that veganism is a sure sign of gentrification. Thus Kate dabbed french fries into ketchup while Max worked on chicken tenders, both doing their best to avoid the tough conversations they should be having. Weirdly, Joyce wasn't in, so they didn't have a third party to distract them.

"Uh . . ." Kate finally started. When Max looked up, she said, "So, how's Chloe doing? I haven't seen her since . . ." Kate paused, trying to put the details about the party together. Had Max been there? No, right?

"Since the stuff with Frank, yeah." Max nodded, wiping her greasy fingers with a napkin. "I mean, not good, really. She's been pretty depressed - like, more than usual - and just sort of staying in bed. Me and her and Joyce and David all kind of . . . got into a big fight yesterday, and I haven't seen her since then. Or heard anything from her."

"Oh," Kate replied, unsure of what she could say. "Why was there a fight?"

Max groaned. "Kind of everything." She snagged a fry from Kate's plate (she had her own), and Kate snorted.

After a second to think, though, Max said, "Well, Chloe's been drinking a lot, and her whole deal with her Mom is she can stay rent-free as long as she isn't drinking or using drugs, and I mean, she's doing both and isn't really hiding it much. So Joyce and David were waiting for Chloe, and I hung around to make sure she'd be okay, and then they told her she needed to get a job or become a full-time student again or else she's out. Like, kicked out."

This all seemed really predictable (and kind of fair) to Kate, but she didn't want to seem like an ass, so she sucked air through her teeth to make it clear that was unexpected and hurtful. "That's . . . that really sucks. What's she going to do?"

Max shrugged. "I don't know. Chloe didn't really address their terms, she just sort of flew off the handle that Joyce was going to let David kick her out. Then Joyce said it was actually her idea, but Chloe wouldn't hear it. So I tried to step in, you know, calm things down. I said I didn't think this was an issue with David, and that Joyce was trying to keep her from imploding her life."

Kate was really not jealous of Chloe's circumstances, but at the moment she more worried about how it was spilling onto Max. "Yeah . . . like I get how that's a really bad situation to be in, but it sounds like she's totally unraveling. Maybe if she can get sober . . .?"

Max shrugged again, but just sort of stared at her food for a second. "I guess so. Chloe said some stuff about how her life 'already imploded', but before anyone could really . . . say anything, she just took off."

This sounded familiar. "Was she drunk?" Kate asked.

Max nodded. "Yeah . . . we were real worried she'd get in an accident for a little while, but David called a friend at the ABPD and an officer found her asleep in her car and just . . . let her be, I guess."

Kate looked surprised. "Cops found a drunk kid and were . . . chill about it?"

Max tossed the idea around in her head for a little bit, then offered, "She's white? And they know her dad? er, step-dad?"

Kate conceded the point. It was true enough that she'd seen the police let kids off from the school much more than get them in trouble. Plus, she got a text from Victoria.

 **Victoria:** how are you, by the way? I haven't really asked.

 **Kate:** IDK, things have been really crazy with my friends lately.  
 **Kate:** "Lately" meaning like the past month or so.

 **Victoria:** what's up?

"A-are you . . . doing all right?" Max asked.

Kate looked up from her phone, immediately self-conscious "Uh, yeah? Why?"

Max sipped her coffee, then said, "Well, I mean. Back at the junk yard, with everything that happened with Frank, it seemed like you were really . . . not all right.

"Oh!" Kate had forgotten. "Right, because I totally broke down and there was a gun. Yeah, I just . . ."

 _Why are you deflecting?_ Kate asked herself. _You don't have to treat Max like a kid. Just be honest._

Kate took a deep breath. "Yeah, okay. I'm not super okay. Rachel's dead. I just . . . I can feel it. But everything's a dead end, filled with all this stuff I never wanted to know about her. And I just have this sick feeling that one day I'll just hear that yeah, she's really dead . . ." Kate paused. "I'm scared she'll be gone for good."

That was it, wasn't it? The real fear? Not just that Rachel was dead (she was), but that Kate would be alone. No more XOXO, no more blow-kiss, no more Katie. Just Kate.

"You know, until this past week, I didn't know you even knew Rachel that well. I thought you just . . . wanted to help. But Rachel means something to you, doesn't she?"

Kate shrugged. "She didn't - doesn't . . . deserve to die. I don't know how not to care."

A strange smile crept up on Max's face, admiration that Kate couldn't recognize, adoration that the buzz in her pocket made her miss. She picked up her phone instead of smiling back.

 **Victoria:**?

 **Kate:** sorry, I'm at dinner with Max. It's personal stuff of theirs I don't really want to talk about. I'm just stressed.

"You're . . . kind of a really good person, Kate."

Kate looked up, confused and surprised. "Um . . . thank you." She bit her cheek, holding back bitterness. Max made it hard for her to self-deprecate and hate people like she'd really been getting into lately. "I don't think it's that easy but . . . I'm glad you think so."

Kate reached out, placing her hand over Max's where it sat on the table. Max sort of stared at their hands for a second, then laced her fingers between Kate's. Kate's heart skipped a beat, unsure if she should pull away or stay still. Max's thumb traced the edge of Kate's palm. Max looked up at her, making rare eye contact that only intensified Kate's confusion and nervousness. What was she supposed to do with this? What in the world was she supposed to do with the mess of feelings cutting through her angsty bullshit and making her face grow hot?

Luckily, her phone buzzed again to rescue her from these complicated questions she didn't have answers for. Kate tried to grab her phone in her right pocket with her left hand, but when Max saw her struggling, she just let go of Kate's hand with a brief smile that didn't reach her eyes. Kate returned a smile just like it and opened her messages.

 **Victoria:** Well I've also had a shitty, stressful few days that I don't super want to talk about.  
I'm free if you wanted to just chill and not have to think about stuff for a little bit?

Kate didn't stop to contemplate possible subtext. She just didn't want to have to think too much, and Victoria was good for that.

 **Kate:** Want to like, watch a movie with me in my room? We can just eat junk food and not care about anything.

 **Victoria:** god yes. I love not caring.

* * *

By the time the end credits of _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ begin to roll, Kate was snuggled up on Victoria's chest under the covers, having relied on her line-by-line knowledge of the film to get through the last half hour. She wasn't sure how long she'd been awake, but she was exhausted. She considered just falling asleep on Victoria, warm and nice-smelling as she was, but she was too anxious to relax. Their brief exchange earlier about how they were not girlfriends made her worry that any increase in intimacy might be a step too far. If she let her guard down, she might stop using Victoria like they seemed to agree was best.

"Is it . . . cool if we lift the ban on caring for a little bit?" Victoria asked.

This caught Kate off-guard, considering where her mind was. "W-what do you mean?"

"I mean like, can I talk to you about Nathan a little?"

"Oh." Kate blinked, scooting back a bit to lie on the pillow beside Victoria. "Yeah, of course."

"Thanks. It's just . . . I haven't really told anyone this, but I feel like I could have prevented this. I feel like if I'd paid a little closer attention, Nathan could have gotten help earlier."

The anxiety in Kate's chest grew. Victoria was being real with her. She was opening up. Kate was not prepared for that.

She took a moment to think on it, humming to make it clear she wasn't just ignoring Victoria, then said, "Well, I think that's kind of a normal response to have in these sorts of situations. But a lot of signs don't look like signs until after the fact, it's not your fault."

Victoria shook her head. "No, I'm serious. He's been . . . not himself for months. And this isn't the first time he's OD'd either."

"Oh." Kate propped her head up with her arm. "So like, big signs."

"Flashing neon, Vegas strip signs, yeah. The last time was just over summer. He was institutionalized for a little while, but when he got out, nothing . . . really changed. He pretended it didn't even happen, and after a few days, so did I. We just sort of got back into our old routine." She wet her lips, pausing for a second. "And, I don't know, even before that there must have been signs. Rachel . . . Rachel found me one night after a party, and told me she was worried about him, worried he was going to get himself hurt. I didn't listen. Then she was gone and I just . . . found him one day, lying on his bed, turning blue . . ."

Victoria was getting a far-off look in her that kind of scared Kate, so she reached out and grabbed Victoria's hand. It grabbed Victoria's attention back.

Kate said, "So those two were friends, huh? Rachel and Nathan?"

Victoria nodded. "Yeah . . . I mean, they always were friends. I didn't get it. And I hated it. I hated that he always seemed so . . . happy to be around her. I hated that she could have that effect on him; it made me feel like . . . like she was fucking with his head somehow." She grimaced. "But I guess she was just being a better friend than I was. She knew something was wrong. I didn't want to."

There was a long pause. Kate wanted to be able to comfort Victoria, especially given the position they were in, but if she took a step back it seemed like Victoria let her rivalry with Rachel get in the way of recognizing that Nathan might be in trouble. She couldn't just see that they were on the same side when it came to Nathan - it had to be a competition. And he paid for it. Being in bed with Victoria didn't mean that Victoria did nothing wrong, or that Victoria wasn't shitty and territorial. It just meant that that was the person she was choosing to be in bed with. So she stayed quiet.

That brought up one question for her, though. "What was the deal with you and Rachel anyway? Like I knew you hated each other, but I never got why, beyond you both wanted to be popular - and you both _were_."

Victoria quirked an eyebrow. "You think I was just being immature, huh?"

The accusatory tone made Kate squirm, but she wasn't wrong. So she shrugged. "It looks that way. But I . . . didn't really know Rachel. Or you."

"That's fair," Victoria conceded. She pursed her lips as she thought. "Okay, yeah, so, I had beef. All freshmen and sophomore year, I looked up to Rachel. She was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, but she was so _talented_ , you know? Like she could sing, and she could act, and she just had this wicked charisma, and I fell for it like everyone else. I mean, I was just transitioning, I was just really . . . settling into being a girl, being a gay girl too. And she was nice, but I was just a background character in this epic that was Rachel Amber. And I hated her, yeah? Or at least, I wanted to be her. And I just barely registered on her radar . . ."

This take on Rachel was hardly anything new, but the young-Victoria perspective gave Kate a bit of whiplash. Even if Victoria said she hated her, she just seemed awed by Rachel. It seemed like a waste to her, to think about someone that much and then decide to hate them.

"So, what happened?"

"Yeah, um . . ." Victoria was clearly struggling to continue. "Yeah. So . . . one night, there was a party at Evan's house. His parents were gone, they were rich, had a great sound system - we got lights, the whole deal. This was early junior year. And Rachel's there, and I'm there, and we're ignoring each other just fine, getting wasted, whatever. And her usual tag-along was off with some dude, and I made some . . . shitty comment about her clothes? I think. I don't know, it was mean. But she asked me to dance, and I was like, 'no', because like, what kind of reaction is that? But she just grabs me and drags me to the living room - which is the dance floor - and we're dancing. And . . . I don't know, I let the bullshit go away for a little bit, enjoy the attention she was giving me - because I was drunk, and stupid, and that's what I wanted in the first place - and she starts kissing my neck. And at this point I barely know what's going on, but I know I like it, and she starts, like feeling me up and kissing me and it's just so much. And then we just - we just fucked." Victoria was getting increasingly agitated as she talked, shrugging like she was just as confused as Kate when she said 'we just fucked.'

Meanwhile, Kate's head was spinning. "You . . . you and Rachel . . . had sex?" God, it was like the fantasies she'd been having of them when she masturbated. She knew the tone of the story was ramping up towards something bad but that didn't stop her from being turned on. "That's a. Plot twist."

Victoria looked embarrassed, but the story wasn't done yet. "Yeah, no kidding. So we wake up the next morning, and Evan kicks us out of his room - which is where we fucked, by the way - and we just have this awkward moment, and we don't really say anything to each other, and then she just checks her messages and says she has to bail. And I text her later, and she never responds. Or talks to me back at school. But people saw us dancing, people knew we . . ." she cut off for a second, "people knew, all right? And I didn't know what to tell them. But pretty soon I hear the story she's telling everyone else in the club - that I was hot for her for years, and nobody wanted to fuck me, so she just did it. I was a pity fuck, and it was funny."

Kate's face pinched. She didn't want this to be true. She didn't want to learn one more shitty thing about Rachel. But Victoria was here, and Rachel wasn't. "That's . . . really shitty. I'm sorry. I had no idea."

Victoria shrugged, but her story wasn't done. "I mean, I fought back. I had to. I couldn't just be . . . some weird girl who got fucked for pity. So I thought of everyone I knew who had sex with Rachel, or anyone I thought might've had sex with Rachel, and I told everyone she'd fucked them all. I said she was just a slut, and she wanted to be fucked, so I did. And I was so . . . so fucking convinced I was right, too - like I wasn't spinning the story, I was just telling the truth. And then there was graffiti about it. Everyone wanted to talk about the blowjobs she gave and how she took multiple types of birth control (because boys have no fucking clue how birth control works), and it was just more interesting."

"After that, it was kind of just . . . whatever. Anything either one of us did, it was fodder. And it was just like that for years, and then . . . poof. Rachel's gone."

 _Poof. Rachel's gone._ And Victoria didn't even know she was dead. Victoria had no idea she'd been sleeping with Rachel again, that Rachel thought she was strong and a good kisser. Kate had no idea how to explain what she knew. But it seemed to her that how Victoria felt about Rachel was almost exactly how Rachel felt about Victoria. Jealousy. Disgust. Attraction. What a waste. They could have just shut up and had sex in secret - like what Kate and Victoria were doing.

"That's . . . really shitty. And also very un-feminist of both of you-" Victoria stuck out her tongue, and Kate giggled, but continued, "- but I've got to say. You and Rachel. It's kind of hot?"

Victoria just glared, and Kate plastered on a smile. Maybe Victoria would take it as a joke and not recognize that Kate thought it was really, really hot.

Then Victoria rolled her eyes. "You asshole."

Kate tugged on her hand, pulling Victoria's arm around herself. "What? I'm gay and you're hot, sue me."

Kate had figured out somewhere along the way that compliments went a long way with Victoria, and this seemed to be no exception. Victoria rolled her eyes again, but then she propped herself up so they could kiss. Kate's fingers sneaked under Victoria's shirt, trailing along her sides, making her giggle a little from being tickled. Kate quickly discovered she was a lot more turned on than she meant to be, digging her fingers into Victoria's hair and grabbing it. Victoria's breath caught as Kate kissed her neck, her shoulders, her collarbone. Victoria managed to close Kate's laptop and push it to the very end of the bed with her foot before Kate rolled on top of her, her fingers skimming down Victoria's belly. Kate's kisses turned more gentle as she unbuttoned Victoria's pants, unceremoniously rubbing her off through her underwear, making her breath stutter pleasantly.

Kate thought everything was going great. So she was a little confused when she heard, "S-stop. Stop it." Victoria grabbed her wrist to make her stop.

Kate pulled her hand back, then sat up, swiping her hair out of her face. "Um, sorry? What's wrong?"

Victoria sat up, pulling the blanket up to cover herself better. She looked like she was struggling with something. Then she said, "You can't just . . . do that whenever you feel like. Like this - this is not a good time for that." She gestured at herself with her whole hand. "I feel like shit. I don't want to have sex."

Kate had gotten the solid impression that Victoria felt like shit _and_ wanted to have sex. "Oh . . . yeah, I get that. Sorry, I thought you did."

"Well I . . ." Victoria was holding something back, that much was clear. And Kate was getting a sinking feeling in her chest telling her she had done something wrong.

"I mean, if you think I do, why not just ask me? It takes two seconds." She paused. She sounded even more stressed when she continued, "I don't know, I just feel kinda used? I don't think I like the dynamic we have."

Kate started, "Well I mean, I . . . oh. Huh." It began to dawn on her that she couldn't actually recall a time she had specifically asked Victoria if she wanted to have sex. She couldn't recall the times Rachel had had sex with her, but it had been, from what she remembered, pretty much just her telling Victoria what to do and Victoria complying.

The sinking feeling began to twist, painful dread. "Wait, have you been consenting to the sex we've been having?" Kate's replay of the different times they'd had sex played through the first time, when she's just grabbed Victoria's shirt, kissed her, and told her to get on the bed. Even the question 'Don't you want to make me cum yourself?' hadn't been answered, beyond the fact that they then had sex.

"Um . . ." Victoria said quietly, apparently thinking hard.

That just spiked Kate's panic. "Fuck, have I raped you? Why didn't I just . . . ask?"

Victoria grimaced, clearly uncomfortable. At least the words started coming now, like Kate's question had removed a seal and now it was just pouring out.

"No, I mean, it's not like that. I mean, I didn't, like, verbally consent exactly. I just - I knew you liked me, and I had been thinking about it, but you seemed like you were in a bad place, and it just didn't seem right, so I was confused, you know? Like, that whole idea that you shouldn't have sex with girls fresh out of breakups or who are in really emotionally vulnerable situations, because, like, you're taking advantage of them. So I had misgivings, but I wanted to have sex with you. And after the first time, I really was totally okay with it - I just . . . I wish you'd ask."

That was . . . less horrifying. But Kate felt even shittier that these were things she knew, she had just let it go by the wayside because she wanted to feel in control. It's not like she liked Victoria so much she hadn't controlled herself. She'd just been so angry.

Kate sat with her legs crossed, hands on her knees, staring down at her lap. She didn't know how to look at Victoria right now.

"Victoria?"

"Hm?"

"Would you have wanted to have sex with me if you didn't think I liked you?"

"What do you mean?"

Kate breathed out unsteadily. Up until now, she hadn't really thought of this relationship she had with Victoria as one with any stakes. But how she treated Victoria mattered to her, she realized. She didn't deserve to be used. Rachel falling apart because _she'd fucking died_ and Victoria bullying Kate still didn't give her the right to act like a misogynistic douche.

And if Victoria deserved better than being objectified, she deserved better than to be lied to for easy access to sex. Kate was better than that. She had to be.

One more breath as Kate hardened her resolve. Then, "I didn't like you back then."

". . . what?"

Kate still couldn't Victoria in the eye. "I kissed you at that party because I thought it would freak you out and you'd stop being mean to me. Then when you confronted me, I freaked out. So I made up an excuse. I said I liked you. But I didn't."

Victoria sounded confused. "What . . . the fuck. Then why did you have sex with me?"

Kate shrugged, even though that one was her call, not shared between her and 'Katie.' "I wanted to. And you let me."

Victoria's hands balled up into fists on the blanket. "You're . . . you're just like Rachel," she said with disbelief.

She threw the blanket off herself and stood up, buttoning her pants. Kate finally looked up, Victoria's face pinched as she held back fury. She didn't know what she expected. But she knew she didn't want this.

Once Victoria was fully dressed, she gestured at Kate as if she were about to start yelling, but she held back, taking a deep breath. It scared Kate, but she also felt like she deserved it, felt like being yelled at would somehow make it better.

Then Victoria said, "You know, I get why you did what you did. I was an asshole to you, I get that. But seriously, Kate? Go fuck yourself."

Kate just sat there in the minutes after Victoria slammed her door shut on her way out. She kept looping the same few ideas frantically over and over, trying to find a way to fix things, to undo her stupid mistakes. But it's not that easy, is it? You can't just wave your hand and treat someone better this time.

Why did this hurt so much? Why did it hurt that Victoria, the girl who bullied her for over a year, hated her? How was this any worse than before?

When she finally stumbled on the answer, it was like twisting the knife in her own chest.

 _Fuck, we were girlfriends, weren't we?_

And now that Kate knew that, and knew she wanted it, it didn't matter.

This time, when she lay herself down, and begged that she didn't have to be herself anymore, she got what she wanted. Rachel awoke with tears staining her face in the dark, disoriented and scared.


	8. now i'm the ghost Don't leave me

Winter break passed in a blur for Kate, and not because she was having fun. Ever since she and Victoria had (effectively) broken up, Rachel had been staying longer and appearing more often. It wasn't unusual for Kate to get a day or less, and piecing together her life slipped more and more into just following the calendar on her phone. When her mom yelled or was being soft, or when Lynn insisted that Kate had promised her something, Kate just went along with it to the best of her abilities. The feeling that she was play-acting her own life settled in like a forced smile held for a day of working at the soup kitchen, stiff by the time she could relax.

* * *

There was a particularly poignant episode where she took Lynn with her when she went to volunteer one Saturday in early January at the library. Kate liked to read to kids, but . . . today. Today was different.

"But the Boy stayed away for a long time.  
And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak.  
'Come, boy' she whispered, 'Come and play.'  
'I am too old and sad to play,' said the boy.  
'I want a boat that will take me far away from here.  
Can you give me a boat?'  
'Cut down my tree . . . and make a boat' said the tree."

Kate hesitated. The most of the kids in front of her looked enraptured by the reading, but in a few of them, Kate could see her anxiety reflected, especially among the older ones.

She swallowed, then continued.

"'Then you can sail away . . . and be happy.'  
And so the boy cut down her trunk  
And made a boat and sailed away.

And the tree was happy . . . but not really."

She had to stop thinking. _Stop thinking about the words. Stop thinking about the tree. Just read. The kids just need the words, they just need the story_.

"And after a long time, the boy came back again.  
'I am sorry, Boy,' said the tree,  
'But I have nothing left to give you, my apples are gone.'  
'My teeth are too weak for apples' said the boy.  
'My branches are gone,' said the tree,  
'You cannot swing on them.'  
'I am too old to swing on branches,' said the boy.  
'My trunk is gone," said the tree,  
'You cannot climb."  
'I am too tired to climb,' said the boy.

'I am sorry,' sighed the tree.  
'I wish I could give you something . . . but have nothing left.  
I am just an old stump.  
I am sorry . . .'  
'I don't need much now,' said the boy,  
'Just a quiet place to sit and rest.  
I am very tired.'

'Well,' said the tree,  
Straightening herself up as she could,  
'Well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting.  
Come, boy, sit down.  
Sit down and rest.'

And the boy did.

And the tree . . . was happy."

Kate hoped her revulsion was buried, that it didn't reach her eyes, just kept her fingers curled into the book's paper, unwilling to turn the last page. The kids looked at her curiously, and she knew they could see through her, even the young ones now.

Kate tried to force the smile back onto her face. "The end," she said, and closed the book.

* * *

[Playlist: "Help I'm Alive" - Metric]

The most consistent and most pleasant part of most days for Kate were Rachel's videos. Now that Rachel was staying longer and longer, she was essentially making vlogs and uploading them onto Kate's laptop about once a day. Victoria wasn't talking to them anymore and Chloe would only ever respond with two or three words or an excuse as to why she couldn't hang out, so a lot Rachel's videos started including things like singing. She was finally, actually picking up the violin. Kate wasn't sure if Rachel knew that _she_ wasn't even playing the violin anymore.

Things with Max were . . . weird. Kate knew Rachel was spending more time with her to make sure she didn't flunk and to indulge in their hobbies together, but Kate herself was afraid to be with Max alone anymore. Ever since they went to the diner together a few weeks ago, Kate couldn't suppress the fluttering in her stomach when Max looked at her, or the warmth that crept under her skin when they touched. The videos Rachel left of her singing with Max as guitar accompaniment hurt to watch, but Kate couldn't bring herself to ask Rachel to stop - truthfully, there was little she looked forward to more than watching those videos.

Early on in the second semester, Dana and her boyfriend broke up, and she got more enthusiastic about recruiting girls to come to movie nights. After a lot of nudging, Kate finally told her,

"Look . . . Dana. It's not that I don't want to go. It's just . . . I know Max will be there and . . ."

Dana looked concerned and asked, "Oh, hey, is something up with Max? Did you two have a fight or something?"

Kate shook her head. "No, it's not that. I just . . ."

Kate struggled to finish, and Dana only looked more worried. Kate stared down at her feet until Dana placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Kate, are you okay?"

Dana had strong, almost mesmerizing eye contact. Kate looked at her and tried to lie, to deflect, but it all melted away as she tried to start.

Finally Kate said, "No, I don't think so."

Dana's face pinched with pity, but she didn't say anything.

Kate continued, "I can't do movie night right now."

"Okay."

Dana didn't go away, though. She stood at Kate's doorway while neither of them could think of what to say for a full minute. Kate could feel how much Dana wanted to reach out, but at the same time, Kate had no idea how to take Dana's hand (metaphorically).

Finally, Dana made eye contact again, putting her hands on her hips in a power pose.

"Okay," she said again.

"Okay?" Kate asked, confused.

"Yeah. You don't have to come to movie night with everyone, but you're going to come to movie night with me. We will stay in or go out, watch movies, and bitch about what's bothering us. Okay?"

Kate's instinct was to refuse. "That's . . . that's okay," she said, apologetically. "I . . ."

She was being stupid. She was being obstinate. She kept telling herself, over and over, that if she needed any help she would be a burden, because there were other people needing looking out for right now. But she knew, under that, that she needed to stop pushing everyone away. She needed something that was still hers.

Kate shook her head slowly, as if clearing out her stubbornness. She said, "Actually, yeah. That would be great."

* * *

On one of these nights (it was Kate's third time), once they had the movie going ( _The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug_ ), Dana tilted the screen towards the head of her bed and laid down in the center, behind where Kate was seated. Turning it towards the pillows was a little weird, seeing as it made it a lot harder for Kate to see and Dana was usually aggressively polite about stuff like that. Kate decided not to question it, at least until she realized Dana was looking at her, not the menu screen.

"Do you wanna cuddle?" Dana asked.

Kate's heart skipped a beat. Dana asked it so nonchalant that Kate felt self-conscious for that reaction, and tried to act normal.

"Oh, uh. Yeah sure."

Kate laid down awkwardly, stiff like a log while keeping her head up to look at the screen. Dana reached around her to grab the remote and turn the TV on, which was a lot, but Kate managed to get pretty calm after a few minutes. That was, until Dana decided she needed to get a better view and scooted forward, wrapping her arm around Kate's abdomen. Kate froze, rigid, the warmth of Dana's body a bit too much to handle.

"Um . . . is this okay?" Dana asked, pulling her arm from around Kate.

Kate couldn't see Dana laying the way she was, but Dana's uncertainty filled her with panic. "I - I uh. I dunno. Is this normal?"

Kate turned onto her back while Dana scooted back a little to give her space.

Dana shrugged. "I think so? Does it feel weird? I'm sorry, after last time I just figured-"

 _'Last time?'_ There was a 'last time'? Of course there was. They'd been hanging out even more than Kate realized, and Rachel was seeping even into this safe place.

Kate covered half of her face with a hand, embarrassed. "Um . . . uh. Shit. Uh, Dana?"

"Uh, yeah, what - what's up?" Kate was pretty sure she'd never heard Dana so uncomfortable.

Kate spread her fingers enough that she could see Dana between them. "So . . . did you know . . . I'm a lesbian?"

Dana blinked, eyes wide, stupefied. "Um . . ." she replied, her eyes darting around as she thought. Kate's urge to flee grew with every passing second, but she didn't want to bail until she at least got a gauge on how Dana felt. After being around Rachel, Chloe, Max, and Victoria so much, Kate's fear of rejection had only grown alongside her confidence in that label. This hesitation around the topic wasn't just what everyone experienced (Chloe and Max certainly didn't), so the fact that Dana did was all the more significant.

Finally, Dana's eyes came back to Kate's. "No, I didn't know, I'm sorry."

 _'I'm sorry?'_ No one had ever said that. What did that even mean?

"Why are you . . . sorry?"

Dana pushed herself upright, better able to look at Kate (and much less close to cuddling her).

Dana shrugged. "Like . . . I didn't realize. I've . . . have I been making you uncomfortable, asking you over to my room and stuff?"

What Dana was trying to say finally clicked to Kate, and both embarrassment and relief flooded her. "Oh! Oh! No, Dana," Kate said, pulling up herself so they could sit opposite of each other. "This has been great, and you haven't been making me uncomfortable, I just . . ." Kate ran a hand through her hair, stressed at trying to clarify so much.

"Um. I've been messing up some of my friendships by . . . having feelings." Those definitely weren't the right words for what she was trying to say, but Dana seemed to pick it up anyway.

"Wait . . . is this what's going on with Max? I know you've been like, majorly hot and cold with her and-" Dana blinked, stumbling upon (almost) the truth. "Max is gay too, yeah? And you . . . like her."

Kate nodded. She liked that Dana got it, and got it without Kate having to explain everything. But there was this thing Dana did where she saw right through everything, and it made Kate feel exposed. She hadn't even really had a chance to bullshit her way out of this. It was admirable, but it made Kate feel less in control of what Dana did and did not know.

Dana paused for a second, still thinking. Then, "Does she not like you back?"

Kate shrugged. "I don't know. I don't want to know."

Dana tilted her head curiously, but then something seemed to click. "It's not okay to be gay in your church, is it?"

Kate hadn't actually been thinking of it in those terms for a long time now. Avoiding her feelings for Max was just what she had to do. Their friendship was precious, but Kate knew that her touch could break it. She couldn't be somebody good for Max. And she was not about to start having these feelings about Dana (but she felt too weak to not, being so close).

Still, Dana wasn't wrong. "I mean . . . as long as you don't act on it . . . it's . . ."

Pity returned to Dana's face. "I get it." _Pause._ "I mean, I don't know what you're dealing with, personally, but . . . I know what it's like to believe in something that at the same time doesn't feel right for you."

Kate blinked, confused. "What do you mean?"

"So, um," Dana sat up straight, mulling over her words, lips pinched into a thin line. "Uh . . . shit. Could you . . . keep a secret?"

"Of course," Kate replied. She was getting good at keeping secrets - and it wasn't hard when Rachel wouldn't remember it.

Dana scratched her head, still thinking. Then she said, "So . . . a couple months ago. I, uh, I had an abortion." Her eyes flicked up to Kate, whose face softened from anxiety to sympathy. "And . . . look. I don't go to church anymore, and I don't really . . . believe in a lot of that stuff, anyway. But when I found out I was pregnant, I just . . . went through so much stuff on like, the inception of the human soul, and what happens to babies that are never born, and all this stuff. And in the end, I thought that maybe all that stuff was true. I didn't have a reason not to believe it, I guess . . ."

"Dana," Kate started to protest, "you don't have to tell me-"

"I know, Kate," she said, smiling weakly.

After a pause, Kate nodded, and Dana continued.

"But despite all that, when I thought about what this would do to me, and what me being a mom or putting it up for adoption would do to it. Well. I couldn't go through with that. I didn't feel like I had the right to . . . terminate . . . my pregnancy. But I did it anyway. Because my beliefs, Kate? They don't mean anything if they're going to make the world a worse place."

Kate didn't understand what Dana was trying to tell her. Dana barely seemed to know what she was trying to tell her. But Kate still felt like she was on the edge of something, like if she could just figure this out, things would be better, somehow. Easier.

"What are you trying to say?" Kate asked.

Dana tapped her fingers together while she thought. Kate had never seen her struggle so much to find her words, but she'd also never seen her be this honest, either. Something about their friendship was changing in this conversation.

Dana said, "I guess I'm saying: You don't have to give up your beliefs to choose something that would make you happy. I know things with Max might not be right for you, and this all might not matter right now, but I hope . . . that making the world a better place comes before what your church says. And that includes you."

Kate still didn't understand, but she found herself tearing up anyway. "But I can't have it both ways," she said, wiping the tears away with her index finger. "My faith, my family - they say that being obedient to God cannot exist alongside being gay. And the people that I'm . . . attracted to," Kate winced, thoughts of Victoria, Max, Chloe, even Rachel filling her mind, "They don't get it either. Faith to them is always something holding you back, keeping you down. But without it I'm just . . ." Kate winced, pain and tears rising and blinding her for a second. She buried her face in her hands, waiting to feel in control again.

Dana waited patiently until Kate could speak again.

"I feel lost," Kate said. "I'm supposed to be a daughter of God and a lesbian, but I feel like I'm just faking them both. I feel fake and I feel empty. Nothing feels right."

"Kate?"

Dana offered out her hand. Kate hesitated, then took it, and Dana scooted a little closer.

"Maybe . . . maybe you need to ask for some patience. And some trust."

Kate shook her head, confused. "Ask who?"

Dana shrugged, but said, "Like, God. And the girls you wanna be with who don't get it. Maybe you need some space to figure out what's right without feeling like you'll be rejected if you get it wrong."

That just sounded absurd, but Dana sounded so sincere. "I don't know how." She swallowed and said, "I don't feel like I'm allowed that."

Now Dana seemed, for once, kind of upset. She gripped Kate's hand and looked her in the eye and said, "Well, maybe, if God and the gays can't figure out how to make space for you to be happy, maybe they're the ones fucking up."

Dana sounded so pissed and so sincere that Kate just kind of choked on a laugh. "I'm not sure it works that way," Kate replied.

Dana looked relieved that she made Kate laugh, and answered, "Well, it should be. You deserve some trust. You deserve to be happy. And I will _personally_ fight-" Dana pulled up the short sleeves of her t-shirt and flexed her bicep, which was very cute if nothing else, "-anyone who says otherwise."

That made Kate laugh some more. "Oh, you'll fight God _and_ the gays? Just for me?"

Dana nodded. "You're a gay Christian girl, Kate, and you should just get to be that. I've seen you in Gov; wouldn't you fight someone who told me I couldn't have an abortion because God would condemn me if I did?"

Kate nodded back. "Of course. I don't like people who dress up their misogyny as religion."

"See!" Dana practically shouted. They both laughed, keeping their hands entwined.

When they settled down some, Dana said more softly, "I know I can't really fix anything. But I think Max or whoever can learn to deal with God. And I think God can do the same, if it means making a world where you get to be happy."

There were complications, of course, that Dana didn't and couldn't know about. Dana had no certainty of some life after death. Dana didn't know how little control Kate really had over the direction of her life. And the idea that anyone, no matter how much they cared about her, would actually be willing to be flexible for her sake seemed impossible to her, no matter how much Dana insisted that they would. But Dana was the first flesh-and-blood person to tell her she deserved that. That she wouldn't have to give one of these things up. And that was worth something.

Kate scooted forward on the bed and let go of Dana's hand to hug her. Dana pulled her into a hug so tight she practically crushed Kate's ribs, but it felt good. It was a touch that felt good and didn't scare her.

As they finished hugging, Kate said, "You're a good friend, Dana."

Dana shook her head. "Nah, I'm just really salty when people aren't understanding."

"Which makes you a good friend."

Dana smiled, abashed. "Well. Thanks."

Kate hardened her gaze dramatically. "And I _will_ fight anyone who shames you or anyone for having an abortion. I will beat them up in a Wendy's parking lot with my bare hands."

"Wow, so you're like, butch?" Dana asked, quirking her eyebrows.

Kate mocked shock. Then she paused. Her eyes narrowed as she considered.

Dana giggled, "That wasn't supposed to be a serious question."

"Could I pull it off? Like, in a 1950's lesbian bar scene way I'm like . . . definitely butch leaning."

Dana was the one looking shocked now. "That'd be . . . hot, kinda."

Kate pretended to not flush and to just take that like a joke, but that mostly meant turning away from Dana so she couldn't see her blush. "Let's just watch the movie," she said, laying back down.

Dana reached over her and grabbed the remote again, hitting play.

After a few minutes, Kate said, "And, uh . . . if you still wanted to cuddle, I'd be up for that. I promise I won't fall in love with you."

Dana laughed, and said, "Okay, sure," but dropped down to her side and wrapped an arm around Kate. It was still warm, and soft, and nice, but this time Kate didn't panic (even if she hadn't quite gotten over the 'that'd be hot' comment, and probably wouldn't anytime soon).

* * *

Kate awoke one night thanks to her phone buzzing underneath her pillow, assuming that she had just started dozing off to sleep. When she opened her phone to the lock screen, however, she realized she'd lost 4 hours - and 3 days. Saturday, February 15. Slipping into Rachel was so easy now, it was easy to miss that it had even happened. It took her another moment to even recognize who had texted her, as she wasn't familiar with getting messages from him.

 **Nathan:** I need to talk to you  
 **Nathan:** now. Wake up.

 _God, what? Rachel even talks to Nathan?_

 **Kate:** why?

Kate clicked over to her camera roll to see if there were videos from Rachel. There were eight from her missing days, so she just started from the top, hoping there would be answers in there.

 **Nathan:** Rachel.

Kate just stared until the preview disappeared, unsure how to respond. Did he know something about her? Why tell Kate?

 **Nathan:** don't play dumb.  
 **Nathan:** I'll be at the tobanga to talk

He couldn't know, could he? There was no way that Rachel would tell him of all people. But she couldn't ignore something like this.

She threw on a hoodie and crept out of her room at 2am.

* * *

Nathan stood behind the Tobanga smoking, not even turning to acknowledge Kate. The air was frigid in the early morning, and even in the darkness she could see a plume of mist every time she exhaled. Even with how curious she was, were they any further and less visible from the dorms, she probably would have said no to this whole thing.

When she finally stood in front of him, hands in her hoodie pocket, he finally looked her over. Then, digging into his jacket pocket, he pulled out a cigarette. "Wanna smoke?"

She shook her head no, and he stuffed it back into the container.

They sat in silence for a long while as he smoked, apparently more caught up with trying to shape the smoke than paying attention to this spooky meeting he'd arranged.

"Why'd you call me out here, Nathan? In the middle of the night."

He turned to look up at the moon, then side-eyed her as he smoked. He glanced up and down her body real quick, then returned his attention to the moon.

"I know what you are," he said, pausing on his cigarette. There wasn't much left of it, but after a second he just put it back in his mouth.

That gave her chills, whether it made sense or not, but she tried to play it off. "Oh, you got me," she said, holding her hands out to her sides to indicate spookiness, "I'm a vampire."

Nathan just rolled his eyes. "Not like that, dumbass." He finished the cigarette and flicked it away. Kate kept her eyes trained on it, in case the smolder caught on the grass. "Plus, I think it would be more appropriate to call you a zombie."

That just pissed her off. She crossed her arms over her chest and glared. "What's your problem, Nathan? What do you want?"

"Problem?" he asked. He turned to look straight at Kate, confused. "No . . . dude. I missed you."

The change in tone caught Kate off-guard. She'd never heard Nathan speak softly, nevermind fondly. "Nathan, what are you . . ."

He shook his head. "No, don't play dumb. Please, Rachel, I'm so glad to see you again."

And before she knew how to respond, he took a few steps forward and wrapped his arms around Kate's shoulders, hugging her loosely. She froze in place, not sure what to do, not sure what to say. How could he know? How could he possibly know?

"I thought I'd never see you again," he said without letting go. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Panic rose in Kate's chest suddenly. A shiver ran up her spine that somehow carried on into her brain. She felt dizzy, disoriented, scared . . . and she could feel something. Something like memory, or instinct, telling her things she knew but could not know, things that did not belong to her. She got the feeling that the things she could see were not from her eyes, and the things she could feel didn't come from her skin. Everything about her body felt like she was observing from a distance, but when she tried to move or think, everything still worked the same . . . the body she moved just didn't belong to her.

Kate shoved Nathan back hard and he stumbled. She was so angry and so confused, scared and alone. "Don't touch me," she spat.

Nathan didn't try to reach out to her again, but he looked hurt. "Rachel, I know it's you, why are you-"

"You were there . . ." Kate said, taking a step forward. It was rushing in all at once, these feelings, memories that didn't belong to her, a confused blur that filled her with dread and rage. "You were there when she died."

His eyes opened wide, and he started to backpedal to match her walk forward. "Kate?" he asked.

She caught up with him though, and shoved him back harder. He stumbled and nearly fell, but caught himself on the Tobanga. He looked terrified, but Kate could barely notice, the things in her mind were blurry and blinding.

Kate could feel something spreading, filling her veins like anesthesia, her limbs feeling numb, barely connected to her at all. "You hurt her." Her hand raised without her permission, "You killed me!" she said as she swung for his face. He ducked, and her hand smashed into the Tobanga. Her knuckles were scraped and bleeding but the pain barely registered, as if it were a memory.

Kate's other hand was still listening to her, though, and she reached down and knotted her fingers in his hair.

"Kate, I-" Kate smashed her bloody fist into his face and he dropped to the ground.

 _He killed Rachel. He was there. I can feel him._

Kate felt like her lungs were giving out, but it didn't slow her down. Kate was ready to smash her shoe into his face, but he held his hands over his face. He wasn't fighting, and pity surged through her - not enough to match the rage, but enough to slow it down.

"I didn't! I didn't do it!"

Kate was breathing heavily. Her hands were balled into fists, numb, someone else's. She had one hand, no hands, four hands, and they were all as rigid and unmoving as she was.

"You were there," Kate said, revolted, condemning.

"I know," he said, dropping his hands enough to look up at her. "I know. But I didn't hurt you. I didn't kill her."

Nothing was making sense. Everything in her brain screamed at her that he did it, that it was all his fault, but at the same time she believed him.

Kate trembled from the effort of holding herself still. "What did you do? Why does she think you did it?"

Nathan lowered his hands further. After she didn't exploit his vulnerability, he pushed himself up, sitting against the Tobanga. He sighed, checking his nose to see if it was broken (it wasn't). Then, he pulled out his lighter and another cigarette. Even now, he was willing to test her patience.

After he'd taken one long drag he said, "I guess she blames me. That's . . . I guess that's something we have in common."

Rachel was pissed. Just sitting still hurt. Even though she wasn't trying to fight, she still wanted control, and Kate had no idea what would happen if she ceded it.

"Nathan," she said, "tell me what happened right now. I can't protect you forever."

He looked up with dumb bewilderment, then said, "Oh."

He took another drag from his cigarette before beginning. "Okay. So . . . Rachel was always sort of a party fiend, yeah? She was everywhere, and she was always loaded, but a few years back, there was some stuff she just wouldn't risk. The big one was heroin, just when it was coming big into the Bay. But, Rachel . . ." Nathan trailed off wistfully, another drag. "Well, Rachel started dealing back in junior year. She even helped get me in good with her distributor. Or, should I say her boytoy."

"You're talking about Frank?" Kate asked. There was some poison in her lungs, reaching up to her throat, trying to make her scream 'Stop! Stop!', but it was only getting easier to fight.

Nathan nodded. "Yeah. Frank. Frank was there when her mom died, and he didn't want her to touch the stuff. But . . . I. I don't know how she convinced him, but they both started using. And I guess everything got kinda fucky from there."

Nathan paused for a second to keep smoking, and tears began to roll down Kate's cheeks. She didn't know why she was crying.

"Eventually, they broke up, and she couldn't get heroin from him anymore. She came to me, and asked me to start dealing more - helped me expand my network outside of the school. I was making a lot more money . . . so I set aside some for her. We'd get high together. And . . . I guess. I guess it got pretty bad."

Kate crouched down across from Nathan, stuffing her hands in her hoodie again. She could still feel Rachel, but she was like a tingle in the fingertips, the tightness in Kate's throat.

Nathan continued, "So, her dad got pissed. I mean, a bunch of times, and she got sent to rehab. Got clean. Said she was going to turn over a new leaf, or whatever. And then she called me up . . . to hang, you know."

Nathan held his jaw in his hand, fingers over his lips. The faraway look in his eye was complete - he barely registered Kate crouching in front of him.

"I guess . . . I guess we messed up the dose. Or her body couldn't take it now that she was clean, or . . . something. She . . . choked, kinda, and she stopped breathing. I . . . I don't even know how long it took me to notice, but she was gone when I did."

Kate wanted to vomit. She'd known Rachel was dead this whole time, but knowing what happened . . . it hurt. It hurt everywhere.

"What did you do?" Kate asked, a whisper.

"I freaked," he said. "I thought I'd be blamed for what happened, because I bought the heroin . . . so I covered it up. I buried her. I hid everything."

Kate looked down at the ground between them. Rachel was done fighting her. She couldn't even make her cry anymore. She said, "How did you know? About me? About Rachel."

She could see he was close to crying, looking back up at the sky to avoid looking at her. "It was the weirdest fucking thing," he said. "We were at the same party. You were there with some people I didn't know . . . and you came and found me. Said you wanted to buy some party favors. But your voice . . . it wasn't anything like your voice. I've heard your voice. But it was just Rachel. Clear as could be. I knew I was fucked up but . . . I was absolutely sure. So I broke into your room."

Her eyes widened with alarm, but this barely seemed of note to him as he kept talking, "And I found her student file. And pictures . . . a lot of pictures of you, and Caulfield, and Rachel's old dyke girlfriend. I found those old bracelets Rachel was so obsessed with making but never . . . doing anything with. And I just knew. I knew you had to be her, somehow." He paused. "Guess I was half right."

There was silence between them for a minute while he kept smoking.

Finally, she said. "So, I've got one more question for you, Nathan."

He looked down at her finally and hummed, "Hmm?"

"Where is she?"

* * *

As Nathan and Kate pulled up to American Rust, Rachel's dread was returning in full force, but Kate managed to hold it back enough to stay in control.

They didn't have a shovel, but Nathan insisted he'd be able to find the one he picked up from the junk yard when he buried Rachel in the first place. Admittedly, he'd chucked it into the nearby husk of an old motor boat, but at least they knew it hadn't gone anywhere. It only took them a minute to find the boat, and another few minutes of awkwardly figuring out how Nathan could boost Kate up to get inside until they just settled on dragging over an old oil bin. Kate's upper body strength was close to nothing, though, so she was stuck half-way into the thing, unable to pull her legs up with the rest of her until Nathan got on the barrel himself and pushed her feet up. The shovel itself was rusted to hell and Kate barely wanted to touch the handle (the wood was so splintered and warped from years out in the elements), but she tossed it to the ground and slowly dropped back down after it.

They wandered about for a short while in the dark, trying to light the way with their phones, until Nathan finally noticed a sign half-buried in the earth.

"Fuck," he said, "She's there."

Kate's heart pounded in her chest. "Are you sure?" she asked, but she knew it was true.

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Nathan hesitated as they stood over the spot, hovering the shovel over the earth like he was judging the soil for just the right spot.

"I . . . uh. I didn't bury her that deep," he explained. "I don't want to . . ."

"I get it," Kate said. "Just drive it shallow, then."

Nathan nodded, and started digging.

It was slow going with how careful he was being, and after five minutes Kate felt like she'd been standing in the cold looking for a dead body for half an hour. Even as she tried to remain calm, Rachel had been stuck at the crescendo of fear and denial since they started, like Kate was stuck watching a psychological thriller of herself in third person.

Eventually, Nathan hit something that resisted, and stopped. "That's gotta be her," he said.

Kate crouched, looking at the spot where the shovel had just been. It was just dirt like the rest, but an inch below, Kate knew what they would find. In her mind's eye, the Rachel they would find was still Rachel, the beautiful girl with golden hair, dressed in plaid or a crop top like Arcadia Bay in winter was no different than the California coast. The figure she imagined wasn't alive, but so peaceful she could be sleeping, smooth, carved like marble.

As they started scooping away the dirt with their hands, that's not what they found, of course. The first thing Kate found was a scrap of fabric, sheer cotton barely held together from the holes that had been eaten through it. At that point, she expected rot, grisly decomposition, A Corpse.

She didn't get either. Nathan's burial had been hasty and Rachel's body hadn't been protected in any way. The skeleton wasn't clean in the way you come to imagine skeletons from the anatomical models of classrooms, but the flesh was gone, leaving nothing but dirt, mud, and slick grime coating bone.

This was what remained of Rachel Amber: jeans tough enough they hadn't been worth eating through in most spots, the tatters of layered shirts, and hollow sockets where her bright eyes had once been.

"I'll call in the tip," Nathan said.

It didn't reach Kate. She sat on her knees, transfixed, unable to make this picture compatible with the images in her head - Rachel, vibrant, alive, beautiful; The Corpse, mushy, rotting, repulsive. But Kate felt nothing that told her this had ever been a person at all, nevermind Rachel Amber.

"Hello."

"I'm calling about a missing person's case in Tillamook County."

"The name is Rachel Amber. She is at American Rust, a junk yard southeast of Arcadia Bay."

Kate's body was trembling. She felt sick, so sick. Her hands and feet were numb and her head was spinning, and for a terrifying moment, she thought she was about to faint over the hole they'd dug.

Then, all at once, the feeling vanished. Kate took huge, gasping breaths as she stood on all fours, sensation returning to her body, clarity back into her head.

"Are you - are you okay?" Nathan asked, his hand over the phone receiver.

Tears ran down Kate's face as she realized what happened. "She's gone," she whimpered, too quiet for Nathan to hear. "Rachel's gone."

For a long minute, Nathan's face was frozen with fear, looking down at Kate. Eventually, though, he had to return to the phone call.

"She died of a heroin overdose."

"I have to go."

"No, that's okay. I don't want to check the status later."

"Goodbye."

He just stood there while Kate fell to pieces at first. Once too much time had passed, though, he started to get anxious.

"Kate," he said. "We have to go."

She didn't listen.

"Kate," he said again, grabbing her by the shoulder. "We have to go. We should get cleaned up before anyone sees us in the morning."

Kate's fingers were laced together in silent prayer, and she would not be moved, not yet.

 _Please, Rachel, don't go._

 _We can't lose you a second time. Chloe, Max, Dana, me . . . even Nathan. Please don't leave us alone._

 _Please don't leave me._

It was no use. Rachel was gone.

It would be a long time until Kate saw her again.


	9. I Won't Think About You

**Summary:** While the people around her go through the shock of Rachel's death, Kate starts putting her life back together. And she can't stop thinking about Victoria Chase.

* * *

Nothing changed the morning after Rachel left, of course. Although Kate had so much to catch up on, from her friends, her routine, her classes, she spent that whole Sunday in bed. When she got a call from her youth pastor, she just tapped the volume on her phone to silence it. There was little from that day that she remembered other than hours of looking at the off-white paint of her room, reminded of Rachel's teeth. Her healing skin itched, and although it would have been easy to bandage it or just wrap a rag around her hand, she scratched instead.

Monday wasn't much different. She went to class and barely heard a thing, like the whole day was one of Jefferson's stories about how wonderful it was to travel the world working for _Vogue_. That evening is when she let herself review her texts, but there were fewer than there had been earlier in the year. One from Max. A few from Dana.

Finally, it's on the news that night: the body of a teenage girl was found in American Rust at the edge of town. Kate called Max, and Max called Chloe, and a few hours later they finally got confirmation that the police found Rachel's student ID.

A bunch of the girls from the dorm met up in Dana's room in the middle of the night in clear and uncontested violation of Lights Off hours. Even from across the hall, Kate could hear all the denial and the crying, but she couldn't bring herself to participate. The questions those girls were asking themselves were all what Kate already had answers to, and the answers she needed couldn't be found by sharing her grief with them. She stayed inside and cried on her own.

* * *

An assembly was called first thing in the morning. Kate considered just not showing up - she didn't want to watch everyone play grief for someone they barely knew - but enough self-guilt eventually got her to pack up her stuff and leave her room.

"Hey Kate."

Kate turned to find Max leaving her room wearing a backpack. She gave a smile with no substance behind it, then said, "Hey."

"Are you going to the assembly?"

Max shook her head. "No, I need to go find Chloe. She stopped responding after she drove out to the junkyard, but she just told me she's driving to Two Whales, so I'm bussing over there."

"Good luck."

"Thanks." Max gave a little nod in response, then carried on down the hallway.

Kate gave her a few seconds to start down the stairs so they don't have to awkwardly walk in the same direction after ending the exchange. She figured now was probably as good a time as any to try and text Chloe, but chances are she was in no state to talk. Kate's had 45 more hours than everyone else to process what has happened and she still didn't know what she'd say, anyway.

 **Kate:** how are you doing

It felt like an immensely stupid question, but she couldn't think of another one to ask, so she sent it after a minute of hesitation.

Only a few steps further down the hallway, Kate paused again. There was more crying coming from behind Dana's door, but this time it didn't sound like a whole group of people, so she knocked.

Dana opened the door a few seconds later, visibly scrunching up her face to shut off the crying, as if the puffy red eyes and tears stains on her face and shirt wouldn't give it away already.

"Hey Kate."

"Hey. Do you need a hug?"

Dana just noded her head vigorously, and Kate launched herself into Dana's arms without further ado. The crying started up again immediately.

"I can't believe she's - she's dead, Kate. How did this happen?"

Kate didn't even try and provide answers - anything she could say would be a meaningless platitude she didn't believe, anyway.

After a moment, Kate closed the door behind them so they could return to crying in peace. This mostly resulted in Kate sitting up against the wall on Dana's bed while Dana cried into her chest, but it was the best they could manage on short notice.

After a few minutes, the sobbing subsided to a distressed silence. It took Dana a few attempts to start talking, but eventually she said, "I should go to the assembly. I wanted to say something. Her friends should be there."

Kate gently ran her fingers over Dana's hair, doing her best at soothing. She didn't have much experience with it aside from her sisters, but she hoped it was working.

"I'm not totally sure this is the time for you to say something publicly. I think people will understand that you need some time . . ." She paused for a second. "No one's going to think you didn't care about her, I promise."

Dana squeezed Kate so tight it hurt, but Kate just kept petting her until Dana relaxed, as if she were just getting her breath back.

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course," Kate replied. The idea of performing her sadness in front of hundreds of Blackwell students sounded horrible, but at least here, in this little room, she could be as ugly and as awful as she felt right now. Even if it was grieving, just being alone with Dana made Kate feel a little less lonely, and that was the one thing she knew she needed.

* * *

Over the following few days, Kate came to resent how easy it was to get a lot of her life back on track. The news of Rachel's death meant that class was canceled Tuesday, and she used that and the next few days to dive completely into homework, absolutely refusing to acknowledge the rest of reality until she was caught up. Her youth pastor heard what had happened and called again, and Kate knew that if she said she was fine, they'd know it was a lie. So she agreed to come back to church, and for someone to come talk to her about grief. She was sure it couldn't help, but at the same time, she was desperate to have any level of structure back to her life.

Finally, Thursday after school, Chloe texted her back.

 **Chloe** : there's going to be a wake for rachel saturday at the ambers place. I want you to come.  
 **Chloe** : you did so much to try and help us find rachel, and I want to say thank you, even if it turned out we were wrong about everything.

 **Kate:** I'll be there. What time?  
I'm so sorry that it turned out like this.

 **Chloe** : i think i knew..  
 **Chloe** : i just couldn't think it  
 **Chloe** : at least we know what happened

 **Kate:**?

 **Chloe** : oh, it's at 1pm

 **Kate:** thank you

Kate started typing out a longer response, but then the "..." appeared at the bottom of her screen and she deleted what she had. A few minutes later,

 **Chloe:** about Rachel, apparently the police think her death was caused by an overdose, but there's not really any physical evidence left. I want to say the police are making it up, but i think they're probably right. ever since some shit went down with her bio mom two years ago, rachel's was using a lot more. I didn't think this much.

 **Kate:** It doesn't sound like it's anyone's fault. It's just a tragedy.

 **Chloe** : they still don't know who could have buried her out there, but... i think I get why they would. if she OD'd, I mean. why they wouldn't want to get caught.  
 **Chloe** : yeah, you're right. idk man. idk

 **Kate:** I'll see you Saturday.

 **Chloe** : yeah

* * *

Kate wasn't the only Blackwell kid that came to Rachel's wake; the Ambers were considerate enough to invite Rachel's drama club friends as well. On the positive side, that meant that Dana was here. On the bad side, though, so was Victoria, and Kate had spent every moment of the wake since giving Rachel's parents her condolences trying to figure out how to talk to her. At the very least, Nathan wasn't here even though Kate was sure he'd been invited. She wasn't sure how she'd survive the clusterfuck that having him in the same room as all of her other life stress would have caused.

 _Okay. Okay. Okay. You can do this. Just walk over there._

It took several repetitions of this with Kate just standing in the middle of the living room before she saw an opening. When Victoria wandered over to the refreshment table to get punch, Kate finally approached, starting in immediately with a, "Hey Victoria. Could I talk to you for a second?"

Victoria dropped the punch ladle and turned around, expressionless. She glanced up and down Kate for a second, then quirked her eyebrows.

"No."

Then she turned back and took a few steps into a new group of people - Juliet and Steph, neither of whom Kate really knew - and that was that.

Flush with humiliation, Kate turned to leave, to find some unoccupied corner of the house until she could calm down. Instead, she nearly smacked into someone and was forced to stop dead and look up.

"Ouch," Chloe said with a dramatic wince. "Shut down hard."

Kate blinked, shaking her head and trying to remove every trace of what she was feeling, but not doing a very good job. "Yeah. Uh. Hey Chloe."

"Hey Kate."

Chloe was dressed up in an ill-fitting black suit that Kate could only guess belonged to a man from the family. In literally any context but this one Kate would remark that Chloe looked handsome like this, but that was probably as inappropriate as it could get.

Chloe glanced after Victoria for a second. "Looks like your whole hook-up situation went to shit."

This was _also_ probably about as inappropriate as it could get, but Kate hadn't had anyone to talk to about Victoria since Rachel disappeared, so a response was automatic:

"Yeah. I kind of really messed things up with her really bad."

Chloe made a nod for them to talk not-in-front-of-the-punch-bowl, waiting until they were in their own little corner with a potted plant to keep talking.

"So were you two like . . . together-together then?"

Kate shrugged. "Yeah, basically. I guess."

"Oof. And you messed it up?"

"Yeah." The moment that she decided to explain things to Victoria (AKA When She Ruined Everything) played over and over in her head. Doing nothing but homework for days had distracted her from the situation with Victoria as much as it had Rachel's sudden disappearance, but in this situation they were both impossible to ignore.

"Yeah, I definitely did."

"Have you tried groveling? I find that that works a lot better than cornering someone at a wake."

The humiliation returned, even if Chloe was joking-but-not-really-joking. She was _still_ acting like a shitty boyfriend, huh?

"No . . . not yet. Maybe later."

"Girls love a good grovel. I think. I've never been a very good groveler myself."

Chloe glanced at a nearby wall covered in family photos, expression turning wistful. She said, "I guess everything's totally fucked then, eh? God I wanna die."

Probably reading the concern on Kate's face, Chloe chuckled and said, "Don't worry, I'm not a suicide risk. I don't think we need any more dead people around here."

Kate tried to piece together some reply, but nothing meaningful was coming forward. How in the world could she confront someone else's anguish? How in the world could she express hers? How could she possibly say that she knew Rachel cared so much about Chloe, even if she was gone?

The answer, of course, is that she couldn't, and no words came.

"I'm . . . gonna go talk to her folks. I'll see you later, Kate. Take care of yourself."

And then she sauntered off, leaving Kate in the corner with nothing but her thoughts and a potted plant.

* * *

Kate spent some time the following week reading about non-coercive communication online in preparation for reaching out for Victoria, but more than a week passed before she felt like she had a clear idea of how to not act like a creep. She wanted to go for a hand-written letter, but she got as far as 'Dear Victoria,' before realizing she had no clue what to say. She tried busting out a white board and brainstorming, but the only notes she knew she wanted to hit were 'I like you' and 'I'm sorry.'

 _I need help,_ she mused. She realized she never actually had close friends who told her about how to date either. In fact, the only friend she'd had who had ever dated more than one person was probably . . . Dana?

 **Kate:** Hey Danny? If I said I needed someone to talk to about a really complicated gay girl situation that you wouldn't be able to tell anyone else about, would you be up for being that someone?

 **Dana:** Yeah but you'll have to buy me a frappuccino :)

 **Kate:** Awesome! When would be good for you?

 **Dana:** uhh during the week is complicated, but I could do like. Right now.

 **Kate:** Oh! I could do 10 minutes from now.

 **Dana:** sounds great =D

* * *

About an hour later, Kate had dug through just about everything she could think of about her relationship with Victoria that didn't include Rachel while Dana mostly nodded and asked small clarification questions. Starbucks didn't have a great selection of the sort of tea Kate like, so she was slowly working her way through a mediocre cup of hot chocolate whenever she paused to take a breath.

"So, why did - like, if you like Victoria _now_ , why did you tell her you didn't back then? Why does it matter?"

Kate had been asking herself that question pretty nonstop for the past two months, but she's only recently come up with an answer that sounded right: "So, I think I felt like Victoria was owed the chance to break up with me, or I guess more like not start dating me, given that all the stuff between us started manipulatively."

Dana shrugged. "Yeah, that seems fair."

Dana clearly still had the gears whirring in her head, so Kate waited until she added on, "Buuut it also seems kinda like you sabotaged yourself because you were scared at the prospect of having a girlfriend. Or, at least, having Victoria as a girlfriend. Which is super understandable I think, but also like. Yeah."

Kate sat with her arms over her chest, tapping her fingers on her arm. "Both of those . . . sound true. Yeah. I can barely get my head around the fallout of actually dating any girl, but Victoria is . . . well. All of my friends hate her, for a start."

"Yeah!" Dana laughed brightly - a sound that had been all too rare the past two weeks. "But like I've said, we can deal."

Kate gave a little smile in response, but a greater doubt sat behind it. "Plus . . . like. I don't _want_ to be alone, but also maybe other people are better off without me around? Maybe never being with me at all would have been better for Victoria, you know?"

Dana glared in reply, then gave a heavy sigh. "Well, I can promise you that's _not_ the case - I think you're great, bad hookup skills aside - but if you want to hear what Victoria has to say, you're going to have to ask her yourself."

"Yeah, I think you're right."

Dana put on a self-satisfied smile, leaning forward on her hands. "Well, duh."

The intense feeling that she was being an insensitive bother that overshadowed every conversation Kate about herself became overwhelming, and she figured it was about time to stop that. Plus Dana was being unfairly cute and that was a whole other rabbit hole she didn't feel like getting stuck in today. "Thanks Danny, for helping me with all of this."

"Any time," Dana replied, beaming. Then, serious, "What matters to me is that you're okay, y'know?"

"I know," Kate said, even if she couldn't quite believe it yet. "And thank you for that, too."

* * *

After more than two months of radio silence, Kate finally sent Victoria a text.

 **Kate:** Hi there Victoria. I would like to apologize for my behavior last quarter. I know you might not want to talk to me, but I've written a letter, or we can talk in person if you'd like. If you would prefer to continue not speaking to me, that is okay and I won't push any further.

The reply came so quickly and unexpectedly that it made Kate jump.

 **Victoria** : I'll take your letter. Leave it in front of my door and tell me when you've left it.

 **Kate:** It's there now.

 **Victoria** : K.

Kate lay silently on her bed, hoping to hear some indication of what was going on with Victoria through the thin dorm walls. Things were quiet on the other side for a few minutes, and then Victoria's loud music started playing, ruining any hope of eavesdropping.

Some minutes later, the text came.

 **Victoria** : I'll need to think before I reply. Don't contact me again until I do.

 **Kate** : Understood.

It was not, to be perfectly honest, understood. No contact was easy enough to follow, but 'until I contact you' is about as vague as it gets! The anticipation of just these few minutes was killing her, and who knows how much longer she'd have to wait? Days? Weeks?

More like hours, as it turned out, as that night around 10:00pm Kate received another short text.

 **Victoria** : Texting a lot is hard so check your e-mail.

Kate had been spending the past hour or so just laying anxiously in her bed, but she jumped out of it and into her chair in a flash.

 **To:** Kate Marsh

 **From:** Victoria Chase

 **Subject:** Re: your recent apology

Dear Kate, Your letter was fairly long and detailed, so I'm going to respond as best I can in chunks.

 **Thank you for finally apologizing.** I think I understand your reasons for that last conversation we had, and while I think you acted like a total ass, I appreciate the attempt at honesty. At the time, it really felt like you were just trying to twist the knife that Rachel stuck in me, but I think you were just really, really bad at communicating. And even that, with some distance from it, I got. Like you said, you really don't have a script to go on for romantic stuff. You weren't prepared. And for as absolutely shitty as that all was to hear, I can forgive you for that.

You're not like Rachel, and I shouldn't have said that. You didn't go out of your way to humiliate me for clout, and you didn't escalate things. I appreciate that. That isn't why I haven't been speaking to you. I needed to wait. I needed to see if things were going to happen the same way again. And they didn't. You still humiliated me, but at least you did it quietly. And at least you said sorry. **I get that you're not her.** I have been doing my absolute fucking best to separate out how much of what I've felt is just trauma dug up about Rachel and how much of it is about you.

So let me be clear that I'm not speaking from a confused, traumatized place when I say: **you are not good for me**. You have shit you clearly need to sort out about yourself before you can be in a non-destructive relationship with anyone, and I cannot help you do that. I cannot prop you up while you learn and grow. And I can't use you for practice at being a girlfriend just because I know you won't tell my friends about it. We are not the right people for each other, and we both know it. I do like you, Kate. But I think we bring out the worst in each other.

I forgive you, so please let it go.

Best,

Victoria

 _So that's it then, huh?_

She should probably respond sooner or later, but for now, crawling back into bed was all she could handle.

"Ah," she mumbles, dragging her fingers over her chest. "So that's how it feels."

After all the worrying, the wondering, and the emptiness, she couldn't say she hated the feeling. To _be_ feeling. Even for Victoria Chase.


End file.
